Toast Malone

basically just big brain tings

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

You ever wake up and feel like Johnny Chase #vitory

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

We honestly had no business drinking long islands at 19

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

When I retire, ban me from Facebook marketplace please

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

So we’re all in agreement that ordering a ranch water is just a fancy way of saying tequila soda lime, right?

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

Oh what’s your cologne? Sunscreen

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

Is it a burden how fun my life is sometimes? Yes and no

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

You ever eat a multivitamin and it just rock your shit up? Like why, I just ate

[Capt. Andrew Luck @CaptAndrewLuck]

Dearest mother —
I’ve relieved Gen. Taylor of his duties. While vexing, my resolve and determination to appoint new leadership are as solid as the hogs’ outhouse. Regiment drilling shall begin soon. A new day and new campaign are ahead. Thrilling. Please send more squirrel oil and a frog leg rhubarb pie.
— Andrew

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

@stevemeister23 Not totally. He is just an aspiring animator and has a bunch of kooky characters but can’t really get the storyline together

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

@TMathSports @novig_app Me and my gf from FL need somewhere to watch in CR Sunday! We’re going to Tamarino then I think monteverde/la fortuna Sunday

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

@stevemeister23 Sometimes a good splash of water is what I crave

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

@GucciBandAids So yesterday

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

We honestly had no business drinking long islands at 19

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

Delayed at the airport. How can I get the bartenders to make my receipt look like I was ordering food to expense instead of deleting IPAs

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

@barstoolsports *in flint Michigan

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

I love going to random bars, but when they don’t have @theCHIVE on TV, I just want to ask why not

[Tampa Bay Buccaneers @Buccaneers]

1 repost = 1 #ProBowlVote for @MikeEvans13_

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

Last night was an almost peak moment when I sang Get Low at karaoke and had the whole place rocking then the bartender gave us free picklebacks

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

People on Survivor day 18 freaking out and shaking about getting to see their family letters like they just didn’t see them two and a half weeks ago

[Toast Malone @amphilly_]

Think about how much productivity your life has lost by doing the Cupid shuffle so many times at weddings