Anders Pearce

Just a queer. Sitting on the toilet with a phone. Thinking they’re funnier than they are.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Where’d you go, @GovCox? Why did you turn out the lights in your office as soon as we showed up? We just want to talk.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Yo. When I tell you I love this brand! https://t.co/uZjFqhsmgs

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Can we just take a moment to appreciate @Wayfair‘s copywriter?

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

I just wanna be in @drunkhistory someday. #lifegoals

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@20thcentury and @disneyplus Spin-off series of Shepherd Book’s backstory. Please. I’m begging you. With all. My. Soul.

No Firefly reboot. Just this.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@UtahEmergency With 2020 luck, I'm still packing my car with a 72-hour survival kit and putting it in my driveway. I don't trust that five percent as far as I can kick it.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@Purple Not #sleepstakes? 😉

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@TheVulcanSalute Do you have any idea how loudly I screamed when I saw this? 😂🤣 You monstah!!

Thanks for the #fanservice

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@dominos Why is the slogan of your carry-out insurance program “That’s how the Dominos fall”?

Warmest regards,
A concerned copywriter

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@mmschocolate I could and I shall, but this isn’t just about me. What about everyone else who needs the unexpected joy finding this magical combination at the checkout line would bring?

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@mmschocolate When are you going to quit screwing around just give us the bag of Pretzel and Caramel M&Ms mixed up in the same bag? We’ve earned this.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@Dilee93 He was stressed...

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

As a society, I would like us to move on from "you're the bomb dot com" to "you're the shiz dot biz." Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

You’re welcome, world. #tywinlannister #got #gameofthrones #pun #illseemyselfout

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Lagoon is extra fun with extra fun peoples 🙃 And with random strangers having existential crises in the background. #lagoon #itswhatfunis #lifeatpurple @ Lagoon Amusement Park https://t.co/UcLQ6SVjgn

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

@Whiskey_Whiskey is just spicy @matthewmercer

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Really love what I got on @Etsy from AlfalfaSprout. #EtsyStar https://t.co/YVE6aFi31V

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Let your nerd flag fly in the form of pins.
#EtsyStar https://t.co/rYDdn78xQm

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

“Stop lick-raping your brother’s earhole,” and other things we say to our dogs.

[Anders Pearce @anderspearce]

Why, yes, the sentence, “Your vagina looks like a ballsack” *did* just come out of my facehole aimed at my dog. Thanks for asking.