Andr3w

KCMO

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Can’t believe we just let Hamlet get away with having a name like that. Dude’s named like he’s a character in Babe, Pig in the City and we let it slide? Gonna order the Hamlet at Denny’s. Bacon sounding mf. We could roast him, bet he’d smell delicious

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Obviously it would be weird to write it, and weird to like bookmark the link or whatever. But if you’re out here writing incongruous erotic fan fiction with a decidedly un-erotic protagonist, I. Will. Read. That. Shit.

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Imma be honest, the Last Week Tonight Ted Cruz fan-fic data mining honey pot ad is not the gotcha they think it is. I’m clicking that link 9 times out of 10

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Not because I’m into Ted Cruz or anything. But who wouldn’t want to know? How far do they take this? How raunchy is it? How do they describe his member? Is it tasteful even a little bit? How do they deal with the pee pants issue?

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Like, if you’re a sitting member of congress, you shouldn’t even be embarrassed. Imagine browsing the web and an ad pops up saying “here’s a link to erotic fiction about your coworker.” You’d be weird NOT to click it

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Call it a rebellious streak but nobody - and I mean nobody - tells me what to do.

Unless you’re, like, dressed up as a sexy nun or teacher or fire marshal or something like that. Then it’s fine.

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

I think the biggest misconception people have about me is they believe that because I DISH it I can TAKE it.

I cannot. I will cry. Privately, yes, but I will cry.

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Just finished up Arcane aka bi panic: ✨the show✨. I can say it’s v good and you know it’s good because I was actually tempted to play League of Legends for a moment

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@LisaPollard Not me. I’ve always thought what writing needed was actually LESS clarity #endtheoxfordcomma

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

👏🏼normalize👏🏼elective👏🏼comas👏🏼

I haven’t felt well rested since 2009 😩

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@burlesquebishop *live, dang it

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@burlesquebishop You will love to regret this I guarantee it 😂

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@VBayless78 Hahaha no! I am a coward

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Do a favor for someone and people really be like “I don’t know how to thank you for this…”

bitch I have every mobile payment app ever made

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@drkristencasey Then my work here is done and I can finally go to the afterlife

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

Every time I go to Chipotle I ask them to put the cheese directly on the meat/rice so it melts. I do this because I am the change I want to see in the world

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@urchaoticgf I actually didn’t think I’d get this far… uhhhhh… there’s… not enough…shenanigans?

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

hello is there where I go to complain

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

@NFLandPolitics Who are you, the FBI?

[Andr3w @andr3wsky]

You have to understand: people aren’t born petty. Being petty is a choice.

And I choose it every day.