Andrew

[Christian Grey @chrissygreygrey]

Oops! I broke my hand spanking a very naughty brick!

[Miranda Sings @MirandaSings]

its the first day of december. u know what that means! sitting on laps.

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

I want to be Steven Tyler.

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

O'Charley's carbs are the best carbs.

[Mat @MatCro]

You can always tell a transvestite because they hang down from the ceiling, while transvesmites grow up from the floor.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Optimists own garbage cans. Pessimists own garbage can’ts.

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

"Oh, he's a horrible person. It's great." -coworker talking about his best friend

[RuPaul @RuPaul]

#FeelLikeAWoman wear several wigs at the same time (doesn't have to be on your head)

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

My favorite flavor of donut is free.

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

My mom is having trouble with pop ups on her laptop and wants to "take it to Geek to get rid of the Google." She's precious.

[Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans]

If you ever get lost in the woods STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

Because we don’t like you.
Please don’t come back.

[Sassy Jesus Christ @JesusChristTBH]

tbh i gave you eyebrows so that you would take care of them #prayingforyoureyebrows

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

Oh god. The restaurant has "yappy hour" every Tuesday. This is so cute I'm gonna die. #puppies #blindbobs

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

Did I say dogs? I meant puppies. Tiny, adorable puppies.

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

This restaurant has a patio and waffle fries and lots of dogs. And the local cafe gave me a free latte. Can I just stay in Dayton?

[The Ellen Show @TheEllenShow]

Happy birthday, @Cher! For your birthday, I'm sending you a DVD of my favorite movie about a talking pig. I got you Babe.

[GOP Teens @GOPTeens]

#Teens: Never #GiveUp! Just #AskYourself am I an #AmeriCAN or an Ameri-can't even?

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

"It's like chubby bunnies, except with goat nipples."

[The Ellen Show @TheEllenShow]

Congratulations to the inventor of the door knocker. She just won the no-bell prize. #ClassicJokeWednesday

[Andrew @Andrew62349271]

What on earth is playing in the cubicle next to mine? It sounds like Freddy Mercury trapped in the scream machine from Monsters Inc.