A. Cucumber

The human body is 80% water so basically we're just cucumbers with anxiety

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Pagan gods to humanity: you can have a little @Hozier as a treat

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Secret reason I like cooking is because it's the closest I'll get to mixing up a magic potion

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Currently confronting the irony of child proof containers on meds for a person with a broken arm

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

🤗🥴

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Tired of being awake against my will

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

My real problem is that I think I deserve "a little snack treat" literally every day just for being alive

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Saw a cop pull over a car right in front of a speed camera. Bruh. Unnecessary.

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Thought I was tired so drank an energy drink but it turns out I was actually just paralyzed by anxiety so now I'm nervous FAST

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

For my next trick, I'm going to thrash around for a few hours wondering why I can't sleep properly

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Hobbits have second breakfast. I have second sleep, which occurs after first sleep because I drank alcohol and ptfo before the sun went down.

[Molly Fitzpatrick @mollyfitz]

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Tired brain: I wish there was something I could drink that wouldn't make me feel sleepy like alcohol, but wouldn't keep me up at night like caffeine. Like, just a refresher beverage.

Regular brain: that's called water, you dehydrated idiot

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

I've just reached the bed making level of adult life. What's next?? Actually ironing?!

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Nap rooms? It's called my bedroom, I nap in it all the time.
Snacks? Not free exactly, but I can raid my own fridge any time and I stock exactly what I want/need.
Kegs? I have tons of beer and wine
Oh, plus pants are optional and no one gets mad if I microwave fish.

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Remember when companies like Google were celebrated for having better modern work environments with amenities like nap rooms, free snacks, and self-serve kegs? Turns out all we wanted was work from home all along.

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Has anyone ever applied a phone screen protector without getting dust trapped under it? If so, how did you get access to a clean room and sterile bunny suit to facilitate the application? 🥴

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

One day you're young and chillin, the next you're enjoying a La Croix as a nice little treat

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

@RybakWoodWork Yeah I'm on my second panic, probably do this every few years until I retire 🥴

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

How many years after college did you have the "is this the rest of my life" panic crisis

[A. Cucumber @anxious_cuke]

Why tf does Bleu cheese have an expiration date