A.P. Frey

Comedy writer. Producer at Fantasy House Network. This is what happens when you give a moron access to a public forum.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

@JoeyB You know what you must do now. It’s your time. See you next year!

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

In the next remake of Star Wars, there will be no Force without consent.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

We’re going Christmas Karening later if anyone wants to join. We are currently in need of a baritone troublemaker.

#Christmas #Christmas2020 #ChristmasIsComing

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Pop Rocks & Rock Pops. #America

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Swashbucklers only...

How exactly does one buckle swashes?

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

If you leave 3 seconds on the microwave instead of clearing it, we can’t be friends.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

This Thanksgiving is brought to you by...

Hellmann’s Mayonnaise... Saving your dry ass turkey since 1905.

@Hellmanns #Thanksgiving #Turkey

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Yes, but whooooose hole? 🤔

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

This will end with Trump being dragged out of a hole like Saddam Hussein was.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Things that need to exist...

A claymation fight to the death, @tim_cook vs Steve Jobs on @MTV ‘s Celebrity Deathmatch.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

You expect me to believe you fact checked your political meme when you can’t even figure out how to put your phone on silent?

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Only in 2020 can people normalize and desensitize the term “pandemic”.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

I just want you all to know, on this Election Day, no matter how it turns out, I love you all. ❤️

Also, I hate all of you.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Why is there an ice pick in all of these horror movies? What is this, 1890? Do they have a block of ice delivered to their door by a horse-drawn wagon every week?

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

That face you make when you realize Apple Watch knows exactly when you’re masturbating.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Marriage is just my wife trying to find new places to hide dryer sheets in my clothes.

If done correctly, she is able to delay the escape of the sheet to the exact time of my most socially vulnerable moments.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Somebody really dropped the ball not naming the Triceratops a “Rhynosaur”.

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

People always give me shit for eating groceries in the store before paying for them.

“Hey, you gotta pay first!”

“Hey, you don’t own that yet!”

“Hey, you gotta cook that chicken first!”

Y’all need to mind your own business.

[pat regan @poregan]

Developmental psychologist say that a child should be starting to sound off in the comments by 18 months

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Me, at every traffic light: “What’s this guy doing?”

[A.P. Frey @apfrey]

Who the fuck orders buttons? Aren’t they free? Don’t you just find them?

My wife. My wife orders buttons.