Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️

23 × metalhead × certified yapper
accountability/archive

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦...
✮23, 5'7 M, fagboy
✮ana-r/ortho [since 14]
✮AuDHD + bipolar Ⅱ
✮gym, hike, yoga, calisthenics
✮music, writing, videogames
✮horror/macabre
𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘥𝘵𝘸𝘵. 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘴!

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

the worst part abt being suicidal is knowing that i dont have anyone,besides my boyf, in my life who would care that I died. And i think my boyf would be sad but glad he didnt have to be financially responsible for my sorry ass anymore. i could die and it wouldnt even be tragic

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

i have to stop my inconsistent intake, eating either 0 cals or 4k cals is not helping how ive been feeling.. at least im not binging on junk but the fast vs feast is destroying my performance, sleep, skin, and my bloodsugar feels so fucked up. been getting dizzy n im exhausted

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

new lw👍body dysmorphia is miserable but we trust the process ig. i just gotta get back to being more consistent with the gym, but tbh ive been on and off sick for like 3 weeks, so its been nice to be resting more than usual

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

@beeb_b0y YIPPPEEEE!

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

the hardest part about wanting to change my physique is the food... cooking, cleaning, and eating whole, clean foods is SO expensive and SO time consuming. its horribly difficult (depressed autist) to cook, clean, and eat consistently enough to see any real changes

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

im almost certain its because of how inconsistent my diet is.. I used to be so clean with my diet that my ana dx got changed to ortho, but since my relapse i cant even BELIEVE the things ive been willing to eat. im so stuck in this SEVERE cal deficit (or fasting)/then binge cycle

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

my body dysmorphia has never been as bad as it is now, noe that im skinny fat. Im so boney in so many spots like my neck, collarbones, chest, ribs, spine, shoulders, elbows, wrists, hands, hips, ankles, and feet. yet my thighs are HUGE and my stomach is jiggly.

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

Im very boney and my arms are incredibly vascular, but i still have enough bf% that i have no definition in my legs or stomach. if i was lean i actually think i would LIKE my physique for the first time ever... but i cant figure out how to lose the bodyfat

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

Im tracking everyday in my journal+morning and evening check in sheets. The rules i have to follow everyday arent in their final phase, i plan to continue to make it harder as i progress, but for now i need to focus on finding sustainable progress without burnout/feeling suicidal

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

today is the first day of my challenge (finally). The shame voice is SCREAMING at me, telling me i cant do this, ill just fail, im not capable, etc. But this is EXACTLY why im doing this, if it makes the shame voice scared/desperate to make me quit, its probably good to do.

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

puked at the gym😭 got the last of the groceries i needed on the way home, and now its time to lay on the couch and feel like garbage

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

@fossora_cals classic online gay behavior☕️

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

@thinlixie im pretty much in the same boat. my therapist KNOWS i have an ed but doesnt think im currently suffering from it. she thinks im recovered :/ having no one to talk about my ed with is hard. but i agree w you, i dont want to recover so why even bring it up

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

tbh the only time im not empathetic towards another persons body is when a skinny person says this.. like bro just eat more idgaf about you

[Juno ࣪𖤐 trying to be more active era @jentlejuno]

"Gaining weight is sooo much harder"

[∘˚✶ berries n’ lulus∘* ❦ ೄྀ∘˚* @berrymeow_3]

i don’t eat = i get pissy and mad at everyone
i eat = i get suicidal and isolate myself from everyone

[Call Me Silas🥩🧟‍♂️ @archaicmeat]

it has been practically impossible to get out of bed before 7am. how tf was i waking up at 4 and AT the gym by 5am almost everyday.. and why is it suddenly so hard? i hate the human brain