Fried Egg

Bill Hader can microwave my poptart

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

My worst personality traits
•ketchup
•mayonaise
•relish
•Salt
•a lil sugar
•lime or lemon
•recipe for the best damn 1000 island dressing

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

I just want to come on here and say
A projectile vomiting baby who won't keep anything down
Along with a sick husband who also desperately needs to have a tooth pulled
Is why I'm finding gray hairs

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

Natasha lyonne in poker face
Top notch

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

@CrumblCookies The gangs all here

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

My daughter went to sleep as soon as I got home for the first time and I'm heart broken
I could never tire of having time with her. I will never get enough

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

@BlGSTUPlDBABY One day, Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess, heart breaking
8 seconds, I never thought cowboys could make me cry so hard

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

So I work in a place that's majority republican/conservative customers
Which is totally fine, idgaf
But my guest today started talking about abortion and how wrong it is
And I completely disagree
So I turned the blow dryer on so she couldn't talk anymore 😅

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

Family group chat falling apart tonight 😂😂😂

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

I said can I get through here real quick and no one moved so I said it louder and one of the girls said "please?" Oooooooh bitch I am 3 of you combined
Fucking try me

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

@mackhornbeck Yeah I couldn't do it
I switched to loose bras because it hurt so bad 😅

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

@mackhornbeck Wrapping hurt me too much but the peppermint oil was a life saver

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

@mackhornbeck Are you guys done completely? Take some peppermint oil and your lotion if you are and put it on your chest, wherever you feel the most engorged
It dried me up super quickly and it was pretty pain free

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

All I want is some peace and quiet and I can't seem to

[miss kiss @richn0duh]

therapy isn’t enough i need to verbally abuse my father

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

It isn't the screaming child that gets me
It's the tiny hairs

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

Every little tiny hair touching my face, while my child is fighting her swaddle and screaming at the top of her lungs, make me want to take my face off and burn it

[Natalie Crawford, MD @ncrawfordmd]

Welcome to Texas. Today abortion, a medical procedure, is now a felony. Punishable with up to life in prison. No exceptions for rape or incest. If you don’t think this will seriously impact medical care, you are wrong.

1/

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

I'm pretty obsessed with my kid
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

In a constant state of
I want to put my baby down so I can get things done
and
I wish I was holding my baby right now, I miss her

[Fried Egg @ashhh_schroeder]

Ty took me to a chicken place in Alabama and now that we're home and I'm craving it, I can't have it and I'm very sad