i have learned that if you are a Person With Theories, you simply cannot date someone who is theoryless. the theories can be wildly different, even occasionally deranged, but there must be theories. ideally over time your respective theory ecosystems begin to cross-pollinate
In order to become a better person, you must first realize how horrible you really are. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the quiet ways you sabotage yourself, repeat unhealthy patterns, hurt people who care about you, or tolerate what wounds you. You cannot grow if you keep pretending you're innocent in the story you've created.