ASIO

The Australian Security Intelligence Organisation (ASIO) is Australia's national security service. Unlike the former, this is a joke.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: Shots fired at White House Correspondent's dinner attributed to a self-inflicted gun wound, remaining shred of American journalistic integrity takes own life rather than sit through another clusterfuck.

[ASIO @ASIO]

OUTCOME SUMMARY: Analysis suggests this video was taken in Bondi NSW. It is a testament - a dark harbinger - whispering from beyond the veil that whoever posted that corflute didn't read regulations governing display of political campaign material on council property.

[Geoff Wilson @GeoffWilsonWAM]

Is this an omen?
#Election2025

[ASIO @ASIO]

OUTCOME SUMMARY: Our analysts actually like this metaphor. Both wings keep a nation balanced and are intended to support healthy checks and balances. Which makes you the cloaca - grossly efficient at spewing effluence.

[Senator Babet @senatorbabet]

Another person who actually believes that Labor and Liberal are different when in reality there is no difference. Two wings on the same bird.

[ASIO @ASIO]

OUTCOME SUMMARY: You need a dictionary. As Inigo Montoya said: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it mean." Advocating for humanist policies that represent all members of our nation to ensure they get a fair go is about as occa as it gets, mate.

[Lisa @Lisa9Sophia]

Albanese lied. He said he wouldn’t preference The Greens, but check out the radicalised divisive racist that Albanese is preferencing!

She hates Australia and Labor. She openly supports HAMAS a listed terror organization

@asio are you vetting these people before they end up in Parliament? Given they have migrated here and espouse horrific views, how do we know whether or not they have been sent by a foreign power to undermine our political stability?

This is what Thomas says of herself:
“Hi, my name is Hannah Thomas, and I’m a lawyer, activist and writer, currently renting on unceded Gadigal land in Newtown.
I moved to this country in 2009 as an international student. I know what it's like to experience racism and live in a state of visa precarity”

So Australia welcomes her with open arms, gives her a visa and in return she starts calling us racists and politically agitating indigenous matters (which is frankly none of her business) and openly supporting HAMAS. Why are we letting radicalised people like this in to our country, let alone offering them visas?

Why is Albanese happy to see her in Parliament?

[ASIO @ASIO]

OUTCOME SUMMARY: Investigation concluded. These claims are unfounded vitriol that demonstrate both a lack of context, insufficient comprehension of fiscal policy and slight inference that you spent your childhood sticking your tongue on 9V batteries.

[🇮🇪 @sliejreo]

@craigkellyXXX teflon, are they teflon?
it's outrageous
where are the goodguys in @AusFedPolice @ASIO @AustralianArmy

People are going into policestations to report crimes against the people. Why are the people being ignored?

this cannot continue.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: Condition Downunder declared as Coalition promise h̵a̵n��d̵j̵o̵b̵s̵ preferences to One Nation Party candidates in marginal seats. Citizens are reminded to vote below the line - put Dutton last.

[ASIO @ASIO]

We are aware of scammers pretending to be from #ASIO warning people about other pretenders requesting their financial details. ASIO will never warn you nor ask you to provide financial information. We already have it.
Report to https://t.co/6pmyBeoPdl
@Scamwatch_gov

[ASIO @ASIO]

Condition Sentimental Mood declared as it's been exactly one year since you've thought about your high school crush Steven from math class. Don't worry, we won't tell anyone. Maybe.

[ASIO @ASIO]

Condition Back Alley declared as Sesame Street criticised for post-Roe V Wade special episode - introduces new character 'Donnie The Dumpster Baby'.

[ASIO @ASIO]

@MrTimCallanan Acknowledged Birdwatcher - chicken feed is ready. Take spare briefs for honeytrap in case of any leaks.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: Verbal analysis shows "that making decisions in the interest of people of NSW" is still technically correct if you and co-conspirators reside in the state.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: We wish to remind Victorians that current four hour activity windows do not extend to exercises in futility.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: Your brightly coloured, Dinosaur-printed face mask does nothing to hide the sadness and existential angst in your eyes. Try pairing it with festive sunglasses.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: We welcome the official @ASIOGovAu to Twitter. Please feel free to redirect your national security concerns away from our DMs - particularly those regarding your neighbours 'suspicious looking' cat.

[ASIO @ASIO]

@lenoretaylor @AngusGrigg No deal.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: Investigations show that Citizens yet to watch Game Of Thrones should avoid Tracey from Accounting. Her lack of consideration is only amplified by her nasal retelling of episode highlights.

[ASIO @ASIO]

Condition LimpBizkitFan_69 declared as injunction lodged for new PlayStation account name change feature - will hamper our profiling ability to find that LiveJournal account you forgot existed.

[ASIO @ASIO]

SECURITY ALERT: Condition Smashed Avo declared as @JoshFrydenberg blames millennials for prize winning quails no longer laying eggs.

[ASIO @ASIO]

Condition Ditch Witch declared as Citizen @DemiLardner's comedic homage to Disturbed underappreciated. It's your fault Trent: https://t.co/s0Glg3JVif

[ASIO @ASIO]

Condition Bacchanal declared as Citizens @mattolucas and @e_maltseva report on cheap wine, contemporary art and Melbourne galleries in Drinking With The Artist: https://t.co/IXZC1eVAh9