Tier 5 Laser Lotus

[Justin Fenton @justin_fenton]

The Archdiocese of Baltimore is warning parishioners that a new Maryland law enabling victims of child sexual abuse to file civil lawsuits could lead to “devastating financial consequences,” or even, bankruptcy https://t.co/giz7NMWgjM

[Heather Hogan @theheatherhogan]

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

[jorts 🇵🇸 @ftmensch]

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

[Lancesico 🇱🇨 @Bornakang]

That was unexpected lmao

[Graham Lines @captKangol]

My husband said Ready Player One was like if Chat GPT made a movie.

Harsh

[Lis Power @LisPower1]

Honestly impressive how the organizing principle of right-wing outrage went from 'let's complain about cancel culture' to 'let's cancel everything' and no one on the right even batted an eye

[Tier 5 Laser Lotus @asteak]

@MoxieMixie ❤️❤️ social media is the hardest part I think. Every year is less bad tho.

[Kristin Fuoco (she/her) @kbombycillidae]

An Eastern Phoebe wrote this

[Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation @OKWildlifeDept]

it looks like another lovely spring day to REMIND YOU DELINQUENTS TO STOP "RESCUING" BABY ANIMALS. THEIR MOMS ARE MOST LIKELY NEARBY SO JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

FAWNS, DROP EM'.
BIRDS, LEAVE EM'.
RACCOONS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

ARMADILLO?¿? ARMADILL-NO.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Child Entertained For 5 Minutes By Plastic Toy That Will Take 1,000 Years To Biodegrade https://t.co/p5bqQvgnYj

[who cares @DianaG2772]

What’s the opposite of a stork?

[Science girl @sciencegirl]

Nothing to see here. Only a seagull riding another seagull, mid-flight
https://t.co/TG6J7d97aq

[Tier 5 Laser Lotus @asteak]

Same... same.

[Cardi B @iamcardib]

I’m not as mean as I could be and I want people to be more grateful for that.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists https://t.co/H7nrFoHdqm

[i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazllla]

baby scorpions are called scorplings, btw.

[Brendan Kelly: Juggalo @badsandwich]

One thing we got exactly right is making sure that every kid learns how to play the recorder, probably the most beautiful sounding instrument ever created.

[Georgia DNR Wildlife @GeorgiaWild]

stranger: can i take this deer fawn home & raise it?

us: no

stranger: *gets gored by now adult, hormone-filled pet buck*

us: we said no

[dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch]

the idea that my tweets would make even one person's day a little easier or make them smile during a rough time pisses me off so bad

[girly&wordly @Brieyonce]

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.