Audaciousss

I want to be the girl with the most cake.

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This dude last night was perturbed the bar didn’t have high chairs for his small child. The BAR didn’t have HIGH CHAIRS. Imagine that!

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Thankfully, Americans with no hobbies who made soccer their entire personality for the past month or so can go back to doing absolutely nothing tomorrow.

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The casino is playing Slave To Love on repeat. Who hurt you this bad?!

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What does it mean if I know what kind of flower bloom I like to eat with caviar?

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@EvilMopacATX So glad it’s going to roast them tomorrow. 💅

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@Tiny01934095 @ejdickson Normalizing pedos is disgusting and evil. Imagine publishing anything for attention.

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Replying “thank you” to emails creates more emails. Stop.

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Someone (an adult) tried to put a sticker on my dog’s face and when he grabbed it with his mouth to stop her she said “don’t worry, he will figure out it isn’t food soon.” WTF is wrong with people?!

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Answered my phone for a business related call and a tiktok I was watching with the Zootopia song started playing, loudly. I couldn’t figure out how to stop it. He clearly could hear it. He kept pausing hoping it would stop. It never stopped.

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@kinky_horror I stayed up super late to watch Donnie Darko as a high schooler and skipped school the next day because I needed to process what I had just seen.

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Woman at the Domain is demanding to know where the lake is that she was at 5 years ago. The bartender says there isn’t a lake, it’s downtown. The woman insists she knows there’s a lake here. Again, is told it’s downtown. Now she’s pouting because the lake is being hidden from her

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Someone left me a “you parked like a jackass” note while I was trying to get something to eat after having to put my dog down. Firstly, I was well within the lines. Secondly, have the day and life you deserve. Thirdly, fuck everything about this day. #atx

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The only thing proven by the Selena & Yolanda docuseries is Yolanda’s family is just as delusional as she is.

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I wonder if people know you can run for free and without closing down roads. 🤔

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What does it say about me that I thought the foot washing Super Bowl commercial was for Feet Finder?

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Will you take Toni's glasses and get a magic marker and just blacken them out and put them back on her face again? And step on them while they're on her face. #portlandia never gets old

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Hotel California being played at a hotel in California is kind of actually a scary vibe.

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I love how cold days keep all the alarmists at home. It was a great day to go shopping and out to eat!

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If you’re running your business through an answering service, just don’t.

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DoorDashers who steal food are sure to get a visit from Krampus tonight. 😊 Enjoy!