Audre Murphy

“A wise king winnows the wicked, and drives the wheel over them.” Proverbs 20:26 | Princeton, BA; Yale, JD; Harvard Kennedy School, MPA

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

Jayson, his beautiful second wife, and me on their wedding day. Honored to stand with them. When he left my daughter I promised we’d remain family. Some women drive good men away. Today I’m estranged from my own daughter but loyalty and love outlasts blood.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@Andreacrosby23 Gorgeous! Your outfit matches the sunset.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@_MrsCarrera Beautiful smile! I am unsure about teachers with tattoos. It sets a bad example. We are trying to keep these children off the streets, not send them home asking for a sleeve.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@sisicanread Twenty-five is young. Get up, get a job, volunteer, and go to church. This generation is helpless. My unemployed daughter is the same.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@jennacorbyn Happy Birthday! Have a blessed year.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@milkkarten Good!! The FTC should start punishing businesses that use AI food photos. It’s false advertising, and half the time the food looks disgusting as hell anyway.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

Men, please do not listen to this. In my younger years, I brought home more men from the Draper Community Fitness Center than I care to admit, including Bradley, my daughter’s soccer coach. I still look him up on the Facebook. His wife seems adequate, but we shared very pleasurable moments together. You should’ve seen how happy that college boy was leaving my house!

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

God bless Dolly. Years ago at Dollywood I met a recently divorced dad outside the Wild Eagle. Slightly overweight, unexpectedly gifted. We got sweaty making love in the back of his Suburban while his daughters were still on the ride. I never got his number. To this day I associate Dolly Parton with fond memories. She looked magnificent at that recent halftime performance. A true loss for all of us.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@rossiadam Beautiful family. You picked right. I probably would’ve enjoyed motherhood more had my daughter not grown into such a disappointment.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@BoyFranky5 And AI! How dreadful.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

It absolutely does not. Nor under the right circumstances does it constitute cheating. Alfred the garbage man and I had an understanding in 1997, and my husband never needed to know because technically nobody took their pants off. We used to wave to each other every Thursday morning. A very respectful man. People have lost their sense of nuance.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@fvckfemi_ My daughter was the meanest girl I’ve ever met. I knew it from the time she was a little girl. She once failed a math test in fourth grade, came home, blamed the teacher, blamed me, then ate the brownie I had saved for myself.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

The grid is being pushed to its limit so a handful of oligarchs can become even richer. We’re destroying land, water and energy just to make wealth inequality worse. My power bill has become obscene! I look at my grandchildren and genuinely wonder what we’re leaving them. This is not progress. Pure evil.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@EnnsLindy Congratulations on the new car! Remember, a vehicle says a great deal about a woman’s worth. I’d recommend treating yourself to a luxury model next time. Something with a little more presence. Good luck!

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

One of my tenants is out of town on vacation so I inspected her unit. Found a vape. Disgusting. Full cleaning fee will be charged and I am considering eviction. No smoking means no smoking. Read your lease!!

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@MurrayHillGuy1 Thirty is a wonderful age… fully grown, fertile, and still energetic. We older ladies know exactly what that means.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

My date requested a “young female waitress” when we arrived at our dinner last night. Ladies, is this a red flag?

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

I am deathly hungover after drinking three bottles of wine watching House Hunters. These millennials are constantly whining! My hip is throbbing, the curtains remain closed, and I physically cannot get out of bed. I probably will not eat today.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

Unfortunately mine was untrainable! Lazy, two ex-husbands, allergic to accountability, and always “finding herself” on somebody else’s dime. I haven’t heard from her in years. Last I knew she was making candles in Asheville. I guess you can’t drag a wild boar into the house and then act shocked when it refuses to pee outside.

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@allholls I used to feed my daughter Chef Boyardee when she was misbehaving!

[Audre Murphy @audre_murphy]

@AreJayBro @TDHBXG There is absolutely nothing wrong with a student getting a little extra attention from her professor! In college I attended office hours so frequently one professor knew my perfume and eventually my dorm number. I graduated with honors.