Austin Rodrigues

Performer/Writer @ucbtny. Contributor for Funny or Die. Cool like smoking.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

I call my vegan chicken parmesan recipe No Parm No Fowl.

Remember when Twitter used to be stuff like this^

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

@20sideddie It’s so important we use our platforms now more than ever.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

What if cow’s utters are penises and they’ve just been playing it cool all along.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Trump: “Person, woman, man, camera, tv”

Me:

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Jason is bell? Well, I guess that’s why he’s so good at making music.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

I love omar eps! That’s what I call episodes of The Wire that feature beloved character Omar.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

@ZachBroussard https://t.co/kXgRrA7cNa
This @calebsaysthings bit is one of the 1000 funniest I saw this year.

[Comedy Central Stand-Up @standup]

.@calebsaysthings’s favorite student absolutely roasted him.

Watch the full set: https://t.co/RDBEs8zeNh

[Sarah Tollemache @stollemache]

This one is just plain dumb, but I do love Q-tipping my ears.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

“It’s giving thanks.” -me tomorrow, probably a lot

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Firing off the draft folder in case this is it

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Try for your dreams! Worst that happens is you get called a dickless shit turd and get banned from ALL San Jose public libraries. 😡

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Elon’s been digging through Twitter’s Slack looking for people making fun of him? I’d be happy to just send him some of my stuff directly.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Spoke to him about J. Crew’s new what now?

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

@KenMcGraw Happy birthday, Pop! Let’s go Yanks.

[THE KID MERO 🇩🇴 @THEKIDMERO]

HIT 8 MORE @TheJudge44 😎

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Ok, I’ll bite…

(Me getting a crown at the dentist)

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Sting? More like Sing.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Dental Twitter do your thang!

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Out of principal I would never order from Amazon. Besides, I just tell my wife what I need and it’s somehow delivered to our house within two days.

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

TFW the August 2022 VSP Envision newsletter drops

[Austin Rodrigues @ausangeles]

Yes!! My eye insurance newsletter just came in my inbox! Can’t wait to see what’s poppin with the Visonworks Premiere Program since the last newsletter in July 2022. I definitely signed up for this. Lfg!