Anna Again

it is me again, reborn and hopelessly captured in my own ribcage. 142lbs with a goal of 130.

29, F, and totally useless

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

I've become resentful of recovery again. I'm doing it because others around me are making me do it. There's a part of me that does too but whenever I get just a little taste of life before, I just want it again. Recovery feels as much a prison as my ED ever did. I'm screwed.

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@androcygne I sometimes like to look through my journal entires from 8-10 months back and holy shit it's like I'm reading the ramblings of a lunatic. I don't even recognize the person who wrote it even though it was me, it's like someone else entirely.

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@stimabuse Every time I hear someone say that I feel sick to my stomach

[amora ♡ ﹒ forced recov @amorafawn]

”if ure hungry just eat an apple and if you dont want an apple you arent hungry” i will eat 10 apples ❤️❤️❤️ right now ❤️❤️❤️

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@affordlcve This fast will be the one though, I swear. I won't binge from now on, this is the one.

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

I had my first true relapse day yesterday and it was bad. Not in that it was emotionally bad, but that I was happy. Focused. Sociable. All my shortcomings vanish when I do this.

I don't really know if there's any hope for me at this point. God what a bitter pill.

[may @maybellinaa]

the guilt of unconsciously tracking what everyone around you ate is the worst

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

>recovery is going well
>two people who are my same height are lower weight than me without even trying
>Anna, how much do you weight?
>clumsily lie

Genuinely what's the rationale behind me not hiding under my bed for the rest of my life man I'm serious what is this

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

Had quite the talk with a long time friend about my disorder. She's always very knowledgeable about these sorts of things and brings me so much clarity about the why instead of the how. Why I even still do this, why I keep relapsing, etc. all of it so complicated and thorny.

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@xmadelinezx My childhood trauma ended in a severe injury and I just kinda fell into it to cope because it shut the rest of the world out. It just eclipsed all the pain with mania. Been like this ever since.

[jecka of edrtwt @magicxrabbit]

1200 is genuinely not a lot but the fact it’s more than 3 digits makes it feel like a disgusting amount

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

trying to recover and it's like everyone at work today is in some conspiracy to say the most relapse provoking things to me possible. "Anna what are you getting for lunch? Oh I only got (low cal thing)!" "Oh Anna I only eat breakfast, it's so easy!"

Gonna get a headache. Fuck.

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@blushbinge Schizoid disorder, not to be confused with Schizophrenia. The jist is that I'm emotionally cut off from others, have no interest in things like sex and appear indifferent to praise or criticism. I come across totally apathetic to others when truly I'm anything besides.

[remix @m11rar00]

i am nothing if i am not trying to restrict it just feels like losing everything i hate it

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@m11rar00 You always have the best meal choices. I've taken so much inspiration from your posts

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

Recovery finally feels like recovery. Three months in and now I feel... free. Consistently. Food isn't taking up practically all my thoughts, I don't get panic attacks because I ate something sweet. I feel like I've been released from prison.

Even so... the temptation remains.

[Anna Again @AutumnIsoAgain]

@flawedfawn_ Why is this joke still so funny to me god I'm like a 12 year old sometimes

[jay ☆ @calwhoric]

restrict intake > suffer
eat at maintenance > suffer
binge eat > suffer

can i not just enjoy food nothing makes me happy i hate it

[turnip¹² @carmelcoldfoam]

edtwt is so funny cause its really just the same 5 posts recycled