Average Dad

Just an average man trying to be an average dad.

[Average Dad @Average_Dad1]

“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”

- my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization

[Average Dad @Average_Dad1]

Hanging out with your friends who work in healthcare and somebody will be like then the patient’s jim jam went weeba wubba and everyone else will be like OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIOXNFVSGAYWIFKGDV

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

[Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking]

9 got pissed at me this morning for laughing too much. Which proves kids fckin hate it when you're happy.

[Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness]

Went to a kid’s birthday party where they gave away slime and glitter glue. So I’m signing up the parents as volunteers for every school event

[mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo]

Shout out to the mom who is planning an "Elsa - Minion - Spider - Kitty Cat - Wrecking Ball" themed birthday party for her 3yo.

[Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3]

I’m attaching my smart watch to my foot so I’ll get steps every time I step on the gas pedal

[meghan @deloisivete]

My 6yo just announced that his school invented something called Taco Tuesday and I hate to break it to him

[Late to the party Laura @ericamorecambe]

I’m powering through today’s to-list by adding everything to tomorrow’s to-do list.

[Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest]

Can’t, I have to stand around in the aisle of a store looking confused hoping an employee will stop to assist me because I’m too scared to ask for help

[meghan @deloisivete]

I'm not saying I need more sleep, I'm just saying I tried to open the front door of the house by pointing my car key fob at it

[Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish]

me: when I was a kid, we had to get up off the couch to change the channel.

my 9yo: you can still do that if you want to.

[Average Dad @Average_Dad1]

*visibly frustrated 2yo, makes a throwing motion towards me with her arm*

Me: uh what was that?

2: I throw tantrum!

[Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking]

me: [doing push ups this morning]

9: what's that sound?

me: it's my elbows stfu go away

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Me: I don't know how this day could get any worse.

Daughter [staring at the back of my head]: How do you have two bald spots?

[Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest]

I can remember phone numbers

[@sherisayssit @sherisayssit]

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

[Hollie Harris @allholls]

Them: Don't let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They're right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

[meghan @deloisivete]

That's my Monday after work emotional support baguette

[Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 @mahnamematt]

I wouldn’t give these kids the iPad earlier and a few minutes earlier I could hear them whispering “hey siri unlock the iPad” and “hey siri show us the code.”