Simon and Jofunkel

actual bundle of contradictions

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

I made the @purduefw main web page doing the first pull up I've done since the presidential fitness test in 5th grade

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

I mean I feel great, personally

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

had such a bad dream last night that I popped 2 Zynbabwes right before I brushed my teeth and now I know for sure that 2025 is gonna hit different. Y’all ever eat with those things in I’ve only tried chicken and waffles tbh

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

my dad just sat me down and asked if I’m at all concerned that I might be entering a manic episode and I replied I don’t really even like chicken and waffles tbh the cafeteria just handed it to me and I forgot the zyn was in place until I was halfway through so I tossed the food

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

so hey, what are we thinking about the christmas story this year? did that shit happen or nahhhh

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

when #KendrickLamar said "ain't nobody praying for me" it was like dude you got shooters all across the country and many of them are prayer warriors all you had to do was ask

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

me: why does my stomach hurt?

me 20 mins before: um yeah I’ll take one of those eggnog buzz balls, thanks

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

I didn’t even have to look it up, the neighbors set off 10 mins of fireworks at 6:30am

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

fuccccccckkkkkk dude

[the tisburys the band @the_tisburys]

kamala's road to the presidency is winning these key battleground counties:

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

was doing some light self-hypnosis and just recovered a memory of getting called out in front of friends, parents called, and in trouble for giving my girlfriend a hug at school. Probably why I’m scared to talk to girls lmaooo

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

wait you mean to tell me that I get paid the same amount whether I work hard or do the bare minimum? lolllll why did it take me 29 years to figure that shit out

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

I’ve been using the same fitbit for four years now and it still makes me feel like a secret agent every morning when I put it on 😎

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

not on my 2024 bingo card.

[Russell Brand @rustyrockets]

What I have to be obedient to is the principle of all glory going unto Jesus.

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

dude jobs are craaaaaazy like what do you mean I’ll never have another wednesday free to do as I please? the audacity

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

@d_diminished I mean that’s what my youth pastor said would happen…

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

yooooo I got bipolar at age 29 like who knew u could just catch that shit

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

imagine trying to help a 12 year old see that they are resilient and and worthy of love when they’ve heard the exact opposite from every adult since they could speak. This is what I do everyday and it’s endlessly frustrating but how cool that I get to be that person.

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

I finally learnt the word trypophobia today which I’ve been living with for most of my life. It’s an irrational fear of small patterns of holes. So I google it to try and figure out how I got this fear and my screen is IMMEDIATELY FILLED WITH SMALL PATTERNS OF HOLES WHAT THE ACTU

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

@drewtaft oh I was just recounting, that happened last year haha

[Simon and Jofunkel @average_jo7]

anger is not an emotion I was familiar with from ages 18-27. You wanna know what finally broke my alleged absence of anger? I’m brutally hungover on my parents couch and my dad saunters in, turns on M.A.S.H. reruns, the theme song blaring out of his Bose soundbar and I just