Avery McKinney

Halfrican American, Comedian, Jurassic Park Intern

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

You ever see a parking spot so good you get nervous?

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

“You should never drink someone else’s blood.” - Dad to his 8 year old son at brunch

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Having a bad back is like being in prison. You’re afraid to bend over and you’ll probably never be able to play with your kids again.

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Y’all real quiet. This might be the first Olympics where people finally stopped pretending to care about ice skating.

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

When did they start putting a million lights on cop cars? Dudes getting pulled over for drunk driving and think they're still at the club

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Only in LA do people judge you for having a used car and a new dog

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Just saw a pizza place go out of business next to a weed shop. This economy ain’t playin

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Being vegetarian is the only way you can eat pizza all day and still convince yourself you’re better than everyone else

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

@photo_florida Biggest brain moves

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

2022 Goal: Have a balance bigger than my PIN number

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Sometimes I sort price by "highest to lowest" just to make my credit card nervous

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

I don’t know if Die Hard is a Christmas movie but at this point Contagion is

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Hiking at 20: I hope I make it to the top

Hiking at 30: I hope I make it to the hospital

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

You know life is going poorly when you're reading Stephen King as a pleasant escape

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Every guy before approaching a woman: "It's only creepy if it doesn't work..."

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

In the future there are no wars because we've figured out how to clone Idris Elba

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

I miss the days when professional athletes just stayed in their lane and committed crime

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

The LA Marathon is a wonderful reminder to avoid traffic by sitting inside

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

It's crazy we’ve just accepted he’s called Michael B. Jordan. Fuck it, I'm going by Elvis T. Presley.

[Avery McKinney @averycomedy]

Women who run with strollers always look like they just stole a baby