A

I mainly tweet when I’m drunk and unsupervised

[A @averydoles]

“cum in me” in the sheets

“i will murder you if i end up pregnant” in the steeets

[A @averydoles]

every week i choose which new Noah Kahan song gets played on repeat while i drive. last week it was porch light, this week it’s willing and able. i can’t wait to see what my therapist thinks about it

[A @averydoles]

@barelysemitic hell yeah! endless peeing is better than not breathing!!! pop that lasix and fuck it up grandma 😌🤗

[A @averydoles]

@barelysemitic ☠️ Fr tho, grandmas are all about the flair & drama ya know?

(but really i hope your grandma is doing okay 😅)

[Trung Phan @TrungTPhan]

Facebook is going to go crazy when they see these tweets next month

[Debbie Downer @ANGELBABYBITTY]

Replying “smash” to everyone’s Mother’s Day instagram posts

[bug girl @buggirl]

sometimes i worry about being chronically online but then i remember there are people who think chatgpt is their friend♥️

[A @averydoles]

@Feral_Sun I have two AG dolls and zero pregnancies…. so maybe it’s the lack of AG doll = pregnancy 🫡

[ali @probablyalissa]

They should sell adderall at Target

[A @averydoles]

My man just uttered the words “you’ve gotta dummy flush the duff”

he’s an engineer

this furthers my confusion on what the fuck engineers do

[A @averydoles]

Husband— “if it wasn’t meant for eating, why is already cut in half for you?”

[jody @wnbagirlfriend]

babe it invalidates me when you tell me not to kill myself

[horse dentist @equine__dentist]

new drip >>>

[A @averydoles]

One of my worst habits it’s buying new lip gloss/lip stick colors just to stay with ol’ reliable.

i have 9 in my purse alone and only one has been used

[A @averydoles]

maybe it’s the broken part of me, but hearing more of the Gene Hackman & wife story and i’m like that sucks but my heart is more broken over that poor pup that was locked in the bathroom… poor baby was probably so scared and sad

[A @averydoles]

Having to buy my third stethoscope in two years and conveniently discovered that February is my month to lose them. I’ll start saving up for next year

[A @averydoles]

Not currently pregnant but i think im going to hide it for as long as I can and the first person who notices gets to name the baby. This will include my own husband

[Knowing Better @KnowingBetterYT]

I get flak every time I say this, so I figured I should clarify.

Universally, 100% of the time, homeschooling is the worst option for every single child. Without exception.

I'm not being hyperbolic.

Let me explain.

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