Aimee

Aimee, Aimee, Aimee. I Aimee to Pleasy LOL

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Suddenly 1 shouted: Hamla Peeche se hua hai

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Why is there not a 'day after acidgenre

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Today, my dad planted and discovered a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

I would have written a fucking book by now

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?A:About 45 pounds!!

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

[Aimee @awesomeaimee]

I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice