not the worst driver you’ve met by far

deconstructing from high control religion is what being “born again” actually is except it’s like going through middle school a second time

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

Today I may have bought, via an online thrift store, a fuchsia knit jacket-and-skirt set solely so I can be Dolores Umbridge for an unspecified future Halloween. Not next Halloween because I already have my costume planned. But someday.

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

In case you thought your mother was the craziest - I missed Christmas Eve dinner due to work and asked my mom to send me some leftovers. This is how she sent the cheese ball.

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

the shoveler is hammered

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

sometimes I think about getting sober and sometimes I enjoy a nice little half a bottle of gin on a Monday night. life is about balance

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

please ignore everything I said before 2021 thanks bye

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

jump scares will always make me pee my pants laughing although most things make me pee I have five kids

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

@amorbidpodcast !!
Frederick Woods: Man who kidnapped a bus full of children in Chowchilla, California, in 1976 officially granted parole - CNN https://t.co/ImSUwga8xT

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

@AMorbidPodcast Listener tales 36 had me scream-laughing, yelling “oh sh!t”, turning around to check behind me for clowns & old timey families, and wishing for a Halloween hubby “knees to chest b!tch!!”

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

I’m going to have nightmares about lizards now. #BookofBobaFett #StarWars

[Inked @Inkedmag]

✨ Happy New Year's Eve!!! ✨ We hope 2022 is filled with new tattoos for all of you 💉

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

I liked a @YouTube video https://t.co/EPaC0I74EA WHS Basketball Cheers

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

I liked a @YouTube video https://t.co/ND0v3zk90n STOP DOING YOUR CONCEALER LIKE THIS!

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

If you haven’t balanced a bowl of ice cream on your enormous belly, were you ever actually pregnant? #ninedaystogo

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

I tried to put “brow gel” in my phone’s list using voice commands and it autocorrected to “Bro Chill.” *squints at Siri*

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

https://t.co/kwyfqwuCwJ

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

Theory: @TheRock loves movies as much as we fans do. That’s why he keeps making such fun/thrilling/hilarious/badass films. Keep it up and we’ll keep paying to see them! 😂 🍿Sincerely, all your fellow movie lovers. #Jumanji #Rampage #Skyscraper

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

Can someone hurry up and write a stage adaptation of #Tangled because I NEED to play Mother Gothel. #stage #theatre

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

My elderly neighbor is as obsessed with grading the road as my grandpa was with mowing all the grass he could find. It’s oddly comforting to see him out there every day on the township road on his ancient tractor.

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

Brain: we should go fold laundry
Me: it’s 3am
Brain: do it or you’ll be sorry
Me: but I’m tired
Brain: you asked for it. (random repeating phrase of dreadful pop-country song gets stuck in head)
Me, getting up: you evil bastard
#thisispregnancy

[not the worst driver you’ve met by far @baasjessica]

I don’t want to spend the money on a new tattoo nor do I want the permanent ink, so I’ve decided to just draw on myself in sharpie once in a while