"I don't honestly wish you were dead" and
"If I only could hold you again" are so painful. jax truly doesn't want pomni to die just to be with her, but she is selfish and a part of her hopes so badly that it will happen, that pomni will hear her call so she can hold her again.
I like to think this is why Bugs has been with this Lola as long as he did because she's a wild card. Bugs can almost slip out of any situation because he's the sharpest fella out of them all. But, Lola is so out there he can't predict what she does next. Like, what do you mean-