The Paradox of Control
By definition, control is the act or effect of controlling - monitoring, supervising, exercising power or authority over someone or something.
Lately, I have been thinking about a question: What is control, truly? What does it mean to be in control?
My doubts go in cycles: Is this controllable? Is it within my reach?
Anyone who manages a team knows this quiet weight- the expectation that you will hold the structure upright, that you will anticipate the cracks before they appear. There is an invisible pressure in being the one who must see everything.
To me, control has always felt like a form of power.
And yet, I find myself in a phase where I feel that power slipping, losing control not only of situations, but sometimes of myself.
That unsettles me deeply. My work, after all, is to make the team happen.
Schedules. Practice sessions. Pressure. Routine.
How far can we truly control another human being?
To speak of control, I believe we must also speak of expectations.
If I feel in control, is it because everyone moves like parts of a perfectly aligned machine, functioning according to what I envisioned? And are my expectations realistic, or simply projections of what I need in order to feel secure?
If I monitor what they do, how they behave, whether they are punctual or not, who assures me that my expectation of maintaining control is the right one?
Expectation:
The state of waiting for something to occur, or believing in its likelihood at a given moment.
I know my expectations very clearly. I try, in every possible way, to manage them. And yet I often struggle to find the balance between holding control and letting go - between expecting everything and expecting nothing.
Should I force into existence what I believe is possible?
The ancient question: “Who watches the watchers?”
If I am the one observing, correcting, guiding - who stands above me? Who questions my expectations, my rigidity, my fears? When I shape them according to what I think they should be, who shapes me?
Perhaps control is less about domination and more about humility. Perhaps it is not about tightening the grip, but about knowing when to open the hand.
“How foolish I was! How I struggled to force everything to conform to what I thought it ought to be…”
Tomorrow marks the pinnacle of almost every career in Dota, and I thought it would be interesting to share some thoughts.
When I first started back in 2017, this was always my goal, my dream. It feels surreal to think that I waited eight years for the opportunity to finally experience my very first TI. Back in 2018, when I came close for the first time, I was unfortunately kicked right after qualifying and never got the chance to work at the event I had longed for the most.
There’s a phrase by Schopenhauer, echoed later in Freud’s reflections on desire, that has always haunted me:
"Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom." or in Portuguese (which I feel sounds better) "A vida é uma constante oscilação entre a ânsia de ter e o tédio de possuir."
I waited eight years for something, and when it finally arrived, I felt it first as euphoria, and then, after a few weeks, I watched this seemingly monumental achievement turn into just another date on an already overcrowded calendar. What I mean is: how do we not take things for granted?
I can only imagine how much stronger this feeling must be when you actually win a championship. Yesterday, I was listening to the Rascals Lounge Podcast, where Vinicius, our team psychologist, was a guest, and he touched deeply on this very subject. I truly recommend giving it a listen.
I am still trying to train my mind not to normalize this moment. I want to savor it in its entirety—the grandeur of its structure, the depth of its meaning, the weight of its legacy. What I want to ask is: how do we keep the butterflies inside us alive forever?
I am honestly afraid of the day I might stop recognizing the weight of what we do, of no longer seeing the brilliance of new opportunities—afraid of losing the feeling to exhaustion, to the endless cycle of long days, eternal months, and one tournament after another.
I suppose it’s a mental exercise, a discipline of the spirit. I'm very grateful, regardless.
Happy to announce I’m kicking off a new chapter as the Dota 2 team manager for @heroicgg@heroicdota2 !
Super excited to be back to my roots and to work with such a talented squad. Gonna do my best to keep up with these legends.
P.S.: Don’t @ me about drafts 😂