Brian Allen

PhD. in fucking shit up

[Stirrups Now! @uniformcritic]

Since MLB can now go back at least 7 days to change a scoring decision, how about going back 5,058 days and giving Armando Galarraga his perfect game?

[Charles Wesley Godwin @CharlesWesleyG]

Does this mean I can add professional matchmaker to my LinkedIn?

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

@SirCamsta85 Not too early at all. Time to start betting goal anytime for this kid and roll it over every game

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

295 in Portland, circa 2023

[Noah Kahan @NoahKahan]

Just beat a bunch of 12 year olds at basketball at the community center (I was trying my absolute hardest) and suddenly my depression is gone

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

OUTLAW COUNTRY IS BACK

[Country Central @CountryCentral]

Zach Bryan was arrested tonight in Vinita, Oklahoma.

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

“Choke her hard and kick her and she’ll start right up”
“You talking about your Harley?”
“Nah the ole lady”

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

It’s starting to smell like a career change

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

@zachlanebryan dropping a live album called “all my homies hate Ticketmaster” Is the best part of Christmas this year

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

It’s becoming harder and harder to be a Sox fan these days.

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

“I hate her fucking music, but I’d pee in her butt” my coworker talking about evanescence

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

Didn’t realize time travel was possible until I woke up and this country set its self back 50 years. Fucking disgusting.

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

Welcome to the maine asphalt paving association where we start the morning off with umaine acapella singers performing working 9-5 by Dolly Parton.

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

I have vivid memories of my father scream singing this back when I was like kindergarten

[Super 70s Sports @Super70sSports]

If this song comes on the radio and you change the station, I’m just going to assume you’re a goddamn communist.

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

You think they’d sponsor me? @JackDaniels_US

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

I can not stress this enough:
Fuck.

[Koe Wetzel @KoeWetzel]

At that point in my life to where i chase grey goose with cool ranch Doritos….

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

Today’s date is a big 10-4 good buddies

[Barry @BarryOnHere]

19 straight losses since this tweet. Incredible.

[Brian Allen @ballen957]

Me: what cha doing?
My boss: I’m on google earth
Me: Oh you looking at paint on the job site so we can paint it back?
My boss: Nah I’m looking at North Korea to see where I can infiltrate it. They don’t have any street views tho.