oscar weaver

i pee, i poop, and dad shoots me with a squirt gun when i get out of hand.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

yesterday, i turned as old as jesus christ, when jesus christ was 3 years old.
R.I.P. baby jesus

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

thanks for all the birthday wishes yesterday! here's to another year of not talking.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

sometimes i smile and act like i have a fu-man-chu. today was one of those days.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

dog is good.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

haven't tweeted in like 2 days. SORRY. i was watching survivor. i like the black guy. whatshisname. i think he's got black hair. beard.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

@LaurenFeichter1 i've seen all 3 in or around my dad's rectum, so i'm going with dildo, dildo, and dildo. (my final answer)

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

how's my new family member, you ask? oh, she's a bitch.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

@KingJames does not want to throw my tennis ball.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

my sister is a digger. (not a typo)

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

@diabetespancake is an idiot. 6969 is the first PIN we tried.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

oy vey! just arrived at the ATM. almost crashed twice. neither of us know what language we speak. ¡this is no bueno!

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

winnie keeps trying to steal my food & dads ATM pin number. im down for some free cash (she said i had to drive) but paws off the food, bia.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

i hope my sister doesn't get a twitter account. she's a bitch.
(never gonna get old)

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

just called twitter & had them block the handle @barkwinnieweaver but it's 16 letters (15 is max) so joke's on you 6-lettered little sis!

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

wtf is going on?

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

this is the church and this is the steeple. open the doors, and where is my pizza?

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

i haven't tweeted in a month because my twitter got hacked!
(phone was stolen and kicked around on the sides of hippie shoes.)

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

i bet both of my testicles that a woman wins @The_Masters this year

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

i've seen oscar pistorious cry more times in the last 2 days than i have testicles.

[oscar weaver @barkoscarweaver]

#SelfieSunday #whatsasunday