Batman

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

[Batman @batman8763]

If criminals are forced to buy health insurance, then I will force them USE IT.

[Batman @batman8763]

Look, Poison Ivy. What you THINK is poisonous lipstick is actually just Mono. Knock it off.

[Batman @batman8763]

Drew a mustache on Falcone last night while he slept. It's not shaped like a bat, but I think he'll get the message.

[Batman @batman8763]

Finally beat Injustice on the Xbox. With my fists.

[Batman @batman8763]

Today is my birthday. Yes, I am older than you. And yes, I can still do more push ups. A lot more.

[Batman @batman8763]

Why does everyone feel the need to get me bat-themed everything for my birthday? I also like dinosaurs.

[Batman @batman8763]

Shopping for Alfred's birthday. It's always hard to find just the right mop that says, "I hope you didn't think you were getting an iPad."

[Batman @batman8763]

Baking Bat-shaped gingerbread cookies. With festive stealth-black frosting. And sprinkles of VENGEANCE.

[Batman @batman8763]

Decided to switch out bacon bits on my salad for straight up bacon. And instead of lettuce, steak.

[Batman @batman8763]

Dear owner of the Regal Cinema: Sorry I drove through your wall with my car. But you gotta admit, it was more entertaining than "Burlesque."

[Batman @batman8763]

Hey kids, are you a big fan of the game Battleship? Go see The Avengers again.

[Batman @batman8763]

Thanks, but the odds are already ever in my favor.

[Batman @batman8763]

Big Batman vs. Superman announcement! Batman is still better. That is all.

[Batman @batman8763]

Just got my refund check. Apparently, you can write off a $100 million bat-shaped jet and get away with it.

[Batman @batman8763]

Robin's Handbook pg 15 - Alfred isn't there to do your laundry. Learning to get your own blood out of a uniform is an important life lesson.

[Batman @batman8763]

Sure drones are more cost-effective, but blowing up a narcotics shipment with a bat-shaped fighter jet is way more fun.

[Batman @batman8763]

The only way I'm watching "Last Man Standing" is if it ends with me, fists bloodied, standing over an unconscious Tim Allen.

[Batman @batman8763]

Saying "Kiss from a Rose" is the best part of Batman Forever is like saying "burning" is the best part of a bladder infection.

[Batman @batman8763]

Getting ready to spend Thanksgiving with friends and family. So, nobody.

[Batman @batman8763]

I have a mutant power. It's called "buying out the theater so I can watch X-Men: First Class in peace."