bearded_mania

Boston fan, Metal head, Gamer, I RT. Sometimes I type things on the internet. I even lift bro

[😻P @MsPorscheB]

It's my Birthday! Happy Birthday to me 💙💜🎂🎉

[bearded_mania @Bearded_Mania]

@DatPoop420 great tweet

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, "Gimme your purse, you old hag."

Me: You've got it wrong. I said "old woman," not "old hag."

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

DOG COP: Know why I stopped you?

ME: You like chasing ca-

DOG COP: I LIKE CHASING CARS AND NOW I CAN FINALLY CATCH THEM

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[spelling bee]

Your word is 'insecurity'

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

*tears running down cheek* I don't think I can

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[in Victoria's Secret]

ME: I really like the way this underwear feels

SALESLADY: Sir, please stop grabbing my ass

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

INTERVIEWER: it says here u have had sex
ME: [leaning back in chair] twice
INTERVIEWER: very impressive but also inappropriate for a resume

[bearded_mania @Bearded_Mania]

@CoreyTaylorRock are you excited for Louder Than Life next weekend?

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

Me: Do you want anything from the store?
wife: No thanks
[cut to me reading ice cream flavors to her over the phone for 20 minutes]

[Baby Sumerian God @Ilovelamp1979]

If you see a dude wearing only an American flag speedo & doing karate on the side of the road, don't honk, I'm in the fucking zone.

[bearded_mania @Bearded_Mania]

@JimmyG_10 great job out there tonight man. Hell of a performance. Way to just do your job. #JimmyG2016

[bearded_mania @Bearded_Mania]

Gostkowski the best in the league

[bearded_mania @Bearded_Mania]

@ajhellmich my soul job here in New England is to take the ball deep and take the top off the defense

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Son: am I ado-
Me: a dot of misery on my otherwise happy life? Yes you are
Son [tearing up]: adopted
Me: no, nobody would choose to have you

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[first date]
HER: What do you do for fun?
ME: Conspiracy theories
HER: Sounds exciting
ME: *leans in* Did someone tell you to say that?

[The Bacon-Nate-or @bacon_gillepic]

She hid the remote so I started dry humping her and repeating "let's have sex"

And for some reason she just gave it back

[rachelle mandik 🕳 @rachelle_mandik]

You said this was a humpback whale but I've been humping him for a while with no reciprocation.

[AtticusFinch79 @AtticusFinch79]

[getting murdered]

*music plays in the background*

Me - Isn't that Nickleback?

Murderer - OMG

Me - OMG

Murderer - Kill me instead