Floyd

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

BATMAN: I got you flowers
CATWOMAN: Put them in this vase
BATMAN: Ok
CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact*

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

Isn’t life a dream?
https://t.co/I1ZpehZDUn
#indiemusic #alternativerock #originalmusic #newmusic #bleedingdry

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[wedding]

"Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?"

ME: *from back* THEY'RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

NURSE: What's your blood type?
ME: Oh, I'm not picky. I'll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

Isn’t life a dream?
https://t.co/I1ZpehZDUn
#indiemusic #alternativerock #originalmusic #newmusic #bleedingdry

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

Haven’t posted music here in quite some time…
but I finally released something new.

https://t.co/9cQCgXUYV0

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

JUDGE: You're charged with stealing penguins from the zoo.

ME: *lips right on mic* I needed groomsmen for my wedding, your Honor.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[buying a used car]
SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile?
WIFE: We're not stupid.
ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[trying to impress date]

HER: I really want to have children.

ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

My new single Isn’t Life a Dream is now streaming everywhere.
Listen here: https://t.co/9cQCgXVwKy

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

ME, as a kid: I can't wait to be an adult.

ME, as an adult: I have seriously miscalculated this.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[job interview]
"What's your greatest weakness?"
Procrastination
"Can you elaborate?"
*deep sigh* Can we not do this now?

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[date]
HER: So what's your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

@Jay_FrickinLynn Happy birthday, my old friend! You look great! 🎈🎊🎁

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts"

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[job interview]

What's your greatest strength?

"I'm a people person"

Excellent. Any weaknesses?

"I hate them"

[Chris Infante @Infante54]

Me thinking about the Super Bowl and realizing it would be Wentz’s second time seeing his back up win the SB

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

@howardeskin Are you gonna be the new host of Family Feud? Ya know, for the free kissin'.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

@HighlyIngenious You know else likes deviled eggs?