Medsurg RN prog note in 2025:
F*** you all I'm trying my best. This RN is literally wearing a diaper. Where tf is my break nurse.
Also, the patient is progressing. Therapeutic listening and redirection provided.
GI consult in 2025:
8 gallons of golytely. You think I'm kidding? I'm not kidding. EIGHT GALLONS OF GOLYTELY. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. And you better believe I'm not seeing that patient until the scope is literally in my hand, lubed up and ready to go. Fire in the hole.
Neurosurgery consult in 2025:
ICH with midline shift, unresponsive. But the sodium is 134 and THAT is why the patient is altered. Correct the sodium. My pre-med student volunteer will follow the patient peripherally.
Psych note in 2025:
You thought you were helping but your meds are trash, stop all of them and start a fraction of the lowest dose of olanzapine. They may have another pill fragment prn. If anything goes wrong with this plan I will be unreachable for the next 21 hours.
Nephrology note in 2025:
1. They need dialysis but in a larger sense they actually don't need dialysis.
2. If you have been giving fluids, stop that and give lasix. But if you were giving lasix, stop that and give fluids. Basically whatever you did was wrong, do the opposite.
ER note in 2025:
The patient looked sick so I consulted the CT scan who recommended admission. I called the hospitalist who graciously accepted the patient. Physical exam/ labs pending.
Critical Care consult note in 2025:
Honestly not that impressed, in my vast experience I've seen far worse. Downgrade. 150 minutes of critical care time spent.
Infectious Disease consult note in 2025:
This decision making is atrocious ๐ I will fix it now, please reflect on what I did and try to be better ๐๐๐
Cardiology consult note in 2025:
I disagree with everything you're doing but I'll cath them anyway. If you call me about one more troponin result I will scream.
Not sure why I have to say this but:
1. Specialists if you're on call, you should be REACHABLE
2. Physicians if you have a message for another physician, CALL THEM YOURSELF AND DON'T TELL THE NURSE TO DO IT
That is all thank you ๐