b witter

stay gold, ponyboy

[•🐾Southpauz🐾 • @SouthpauzArt]

I hope the male loneliness epidemic eats you maga scum alive. I hope you feel a hole in your soul and feel unloved until your dying day. I hope you rot in your deathbed wondering why women looked at you like you had rabies your whole life as your eyes close for the last time.

[Keifer @DannyVegito]

do you guys prefer your ibuprofen hot dog or hamburger style?

[uncle ric @ihatethiskid]

Honestly the funniest thing he’s ever done besides fall off the bike

[paris rae @parisrae13]

this is one of the funniest tweets on this app i fear

[Greta Thunberg @GretaThunberg]

this is what happens when you don’t recycle your pizza boxes

[Jarett Wieselman @JarettSays]

For anyone else who has never seen this 2010 video of Jennifer Coolidge doing stand-up at Comix in NYC, do yourself a favor and watch it now

[Serg @bonehugsnirony]

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

[Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible]

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

[neen @neenaab3]

Your son made me take plan b after we hooked up but carry on

[Judd Legum @JuddLegum]

@JNJNews @HRC @PwC @exxonmobil @RSLC @AmericanAir 19. For more, check out our comprehensive report on corporations that claim to champion LGBTQ rights but support anti-gay politicians

https://t.co/eMF3XaNA2w

[pigeon @pigeonspit]

asking the evil presence in my room if hes mad at me

[b witter @bethics]

@lildovzz check dm

[Meg Stalter @megstalter]

OK this was insane but my agent wanted me to film a self tape audition and I didn't have time so I had an audience member read sides for me at my show. Here is my audition tape for "teen girl who gets sick from the sun" like and retweet

[Tashy McTashface @TashP351]

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

[gigi @420insidejob]

it’s time

[Losing it @prophethusband]

Mother in law asked if I had any wine glasses. yeah I keep them next to my bars of gold and first edition shakespeares. Get real

[dana donnelly @danadonnelly]

if you get assigned a middle seat the airline should be legally required to give you a xanax