Jake Greenberg

Current attorney. Former comedian. Ex-delivery driver.

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

#TXRioGrandeLegalAid

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

@zachary_kramer Raise them strong and confidant!

[PUNS @ThePunnyWorld]

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You ARE the lawyer.

Lawyer: So where’s my present?

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

Looking for producers for a sitcom set in a brothel. It's called "Hoe Depot"

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

@TheGingerCinder He also repaired the grid with duct tape and hocked the backup generators for a single hamster on a wheel. He recently fired the hamster when he squeaked for more food.

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

Nothing has made my writing worse than reading hundreds of police reports.

[President Biden Archived @POTUS46Archive]

If you got the Pfizer vaccine in January, February, or March — and you are over 65, have a medical condition, or work in a frontline job — you can go get your booster.

They will be available in 80,000 locations, including at over 40,000 pharmacies nationwide.

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

My favorite typo is: "abou tit."

[Ryan H. Walsh @JahHills]

Hardest Conan ever laughed on his own show? Think so. #NormMacdonald

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

I was prepared to comb through hours of video to find a single police officer opening a single cabinet. I found it on the first video I clicked on at the first part I scrolled to. These are the little things that excite me now.

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

I don't think there is a Jewish vegetable in "Veggie Tales," but I get the feeling it would be a combination between a potato and 1930s German propaganda

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

"I graduated top of my class. I'm very aware of the law" --my client, 30 minutes into an incriminating police interrogation

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

Why is ICE in charge of capturing and housing aliens? I believe in the constitutional separation of powers and this is a job for the Men in Black

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

My horoscope: "A pillow of gentle energy is heading your way."
I don't see how this is possible unless Dr. Kevorkian is holding the pillow.

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

Wedding shower... Sounds hot

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

"If Covid is the only thing I catch from you, I'll count myself lucky" #CovidPickupLines #Coronasexual

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

Strangely enough, "Mudblood" is also how J.K. Rowling refers to transgender people

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

If you are looking to drunk dial your ex and tell her how much you love her, April 1st is the day to do it.

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

Make thumb-love, not thumb-war

[Jake Greenberg @BetterTakeJake]

[going through immigration consequences in plea paperwork with a sovereign citizen] "Mr. X, are you a U.S. citizen?"
"Well..."
"Were you born in this country?
"Uhmmm...."
"Were you born in this geographic area"
"Yes I was"
"Okay, then this paragraph doesn't apply to you"