penne heede

Back in my day, you had to be funny in 140 characters or less.

[penne heede @bigglasses]

Yes it is very cold at your house whatever but someone please check on the bloat at @cincinattizoo__

[penne heede @bigglasses]

@JuddLegum Or pronounce it.

[Colorado Avalanche @Avalanche]

Hey @GabeLandeskog92, how many retweets for you to post a photo dressed up as Poison Ivy!?

#HockeyHalloween #GoAvsGo https://t.co/wVHse3lHzh

[penne heede @bigglasses]

@TheBloggess The Stench of Honolulu by Jack Handy

[penne heede @bigglasses]

@tombrokaw Respectfully inquiring about your availability to be keynote speaker at our event 2/28/19, Denver CO to benefit the Overlord Project. We take kids, cops and Veterans to Normandy. Will be honoring Frank Davita, whom you interviewed for 70th Anniversary. Thank you.

[penne heede @bigglasses]

When you shop @AmazonSmile, Amazon will make a donation to Denver Police Activities League Inc. https://t.co/jsMbwWnNox

[inmynewskin @inmynewskin]

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

[Tim Siedell @badbanana]

Please respect Jay Z's privacy. This incident is a private matter between him and the media outlet willing to pay the most for an interview.

[penne heede @bigglasses]

Fifty Shades of Gary disappoints. Maybe shouldn't get novels at the dollar store anymore.

[Scott Linnen @ScottLinnen]

Washed a Luna Bar down with a Muscle Milk and now I'm a hermaphrodite.

[Brad Broaddus @BradBroaddus]

Don't judge people unless you are obviously better than them.

[penne heede @bigglasses]

Is there any situation where it's ok to call your boss "chief?" I mean assuming you're not Squanto or Len Dawson.

[penne heede @bigglasses]

I get that you "don't have electricity" and your "house is flooded" but I can't play Words With Friends by myself, now can I?

[penne heede @bigglasses]

Inconsistent kerning on ransom notes is pretty much the only reason I'm not a professional kidnapper.

[penne heede @bigglasses]

Love when CEOs tell you that an MBA isn't important. It's usually right after they hire a 22 year old with an MBA. http://t.co/cwd3SMk3Pl

[haurdCider @haurdCider]

Microwaves should have a silent mode for when you're making nachos in your neighbors kitchen while they're asleep.