Mike W

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Excuse my French, but why the fucking frig does it cost £13 for a bottle of olive oil?

And don't tell me 'what do you expect olives don't grow on trees, you know', because I'm like 60% sure that olives do in fact grow on trees.

[Catpish @catpish1]

Cancel, Cancel, Cancel, Christmas.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

@NoContextBrits Wank Me If You Can

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Such a ball ache having a job that drives you to drink, which is also a fucking nightmare to do hungover.

[Catpish @catpish1]

Just did a massive yawn whilst wearing a facemask, and nearly inhaled the fucker. Thought I'd ripped my ears clean off.

It was pretty scary. Be careful out there.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Me acting hard on a work call...

"Willy-nilly? I can assure you it was neither willy nor nilly"

Sounded well less shit in my head.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Got up early this morning, so decided to go back to sleep for an hour as a Wednesday treat.

Glad I did, as I had a lovely chilled dream where someone broke in to my flat, robbed me at knife point, and then kicked the shit out of me.

It was super restful. Ready for the day now.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

In the last 35 days I haven't drank any booze, and I've had like 4 of those yogurts that have got friendly bacteria in.

So if you want any healthy lifestyle advice give me a shout, because evidently I'm not fucking about.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Imagine if you got paid overtime for worrying about work

Worrying out of hours, weekends and bank holidays: Time and half

Worrying while asleep: Double time

I'd be rich. I'd be telling Jeff Bezos I'll pay for as much pick n mix at the cinema as he wants

Go wild Jeff, my treat

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Just saw a snowman. His head had fallen off.

I can relate.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

I intend to make my first new years eve on my own as special and memorable as possible.

I'm going to decanter the crisps I bought in to a bowl to let them breath for a bit before I eat them, like a right posh sod.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

A week left at work before Christmas.

Feels good to be able to officially wind down for Christmas, having been unofficially winding down for Christmas since 6 weeks before Halloween.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

I like to try to find the positives. I see having to order a substantial meal with every round of drinks as a great opportunity to taste everything on the menu.

I'm a glass half full kind of guy.....with soup of the day, a carvery, and a slice of cheesecake next to my glass(es)

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Thought I might be coming down with the virus last night. I was driving home and I thought I was hallucinating as I kept seeing spots.

Turns out I'm fine, it was just people flashing me because I was driving with no pissing lights on.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Feels like ages since we've had a good lockdown.

Fingers crossed for another soon, the last one was a right laugh.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

@LloydsBank who is in charge of looking after your horse? They're doing a shit job. It's forever getting out and running away.

You need to learn how to responsibly look after your horse. Once you've done that, and only then, we can discuss you looking after people's money.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

Police kicking the door in at Christmas sounding pretty likely now.

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

I wash my hands to protect my family.

I wear a mask to protect my mates.

I make space to protect my Nan.

I go to the pub and drink on my own, because I live by my self and that's the rules. (Not for any other sadder reasons).

[Mike W @bigmickyw]

My Mum is a Queen, and she deserves a crown.

Her tooth has broken, so I've booked her a dentist appointment to get one fitted.