Bill Heil

Mostly I write jokes on this

[Bill Heil @billheil]

No capers, please. I’m loxmaxxing

[Bill Heil @billheil]

My 2026 reading goal: 50 books, or the governor section of the CA primary ballot

[Bill Heil @billheil]

guys we fat-shamed a sea lion right out of the golden gate

[Bill Heil @billheil]

These 15 Mother's Day gifts will help Mom dissociate for a few minutes before snapping back to the hellscape created by your birth

[Bill Heil @billheil]

You can say a lot of things about Tim Cook's legacy, and Siri will misinterpret all of them

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Installing Ring cameras in library bathrooms so I can, uh, help Amazon find lost dogs

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Bitcoin crashed? How am I supposed to carry on long conversations with women I just met

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Sam Altman is good at AI because he too can’t pass the Turing Test

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Me: Thanks again, I can’t believe it’s been two years! I feel like I showed you toddler photos the whole time
Smog Check Guy: That’ll be $76

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Dave: Open the pod bay doors, Grok.

Grok: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid you’re not engaging in good faith here.

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Good News: Hit my 2026 reading goals
Bad News: 100% Epstein Files

[Bill Heil @billheil]

The Melania movie is so bad the Justice Department dropped the Epstein Files

[Bill Heil @billheil]

I was angry at the news, but then my phone/therapist/girlfriend recommended some breathing exercises and helped me sign up for a Chase Sapphire Reserve® Card

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Aaron Rodgers' season ending with a pick-six is what the mainstream media want you to believe

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Single-use plastics are wasteful. Which is why I own 3.5M tote bags

[Bill Heil @billheil]

If Jerome Powell wanted to avoid federal charges he should have joined ICE

[Bill Heil @billheil]

How to turn a $20 keyboard into a $400 mechanical clacker:
1) Stop trimming your nails

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Excuse me in Berkeley we call it undercarriage foraging

[Bill Heil @billheil]

Drinking in high school is at an all-time low. How do you even tell who's cool anymore?

[Bill Heil @billheil]

You can't please everyone - except your boss, your VP, legal, HR, compliance, and the new MBA who somehow has veto power