Neil Kirkpatrick

Comedy, Science, and Beer. Is there anything else?

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

The bad news about this bill passing: We may have to start catapulting the elderly into the sea since 25% of the nursing homes are going to close.

The good news: Catapult companies just got a huge corporate tax break, so they are about to rake in millions!

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

TIL: Gary Coleman lived 25 years without kidney’s. If that doesn’t deserve a “what you talkin bout Willis” nothing does.

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

Remember when stuff like this ruined your presidential campaign? Oh the good ol’ days.

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

Every YouTube kids video summarized in 30 seconds

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

Me today: ”I think I’m gonna take it easy and do some healthy living for a week or two”

Also me, 5 minutes later:

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@natebargatze Hello world was absolutely hilarious, could have swore you were gonna close with something like “that’s okay, because we’ll just put a sliding glass door up for the front door”

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@alyankovic Randomly started singing “be my valentine” to the tune of “Feed my Frankenstein” to my 2 year old daughter. Please tell me you will do this (with @alicecooper blessing of course)

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@JimGaffigan Wanna bet on it?

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@Dalton412 Whoever made that gif, nice play on words though. Always have enjoyed political caricatures no matter which party it is

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

To all those people who bought a Trump NFT, congratulations you now own something about as useful as a Trump university degree

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@Dalton412 Not sure what this has to do with trumps NFT grift, but ok. Actually I wasn’t even making a dig at trump, he’s prob the worlds greatest modern day snake oil salesman

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

What do these pair of scissors and Nicholas Cage have in common? Answer in memes or gifs if you know/figure it out.

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@StephenAtHome
Part 2/2 of foreigner joke tweet
“I’m a dirty white boy”. I’m sure after the concert I’ll have “double vision” and then come home and ask my wife “I wanna know what love is, and I want you to show me”

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@StephenAtHome Imagined your delivery when I wrote this.

Just saw foreigner announced farewell tour, that is “cold as ice”. Its “urgent” that I see them one last time. Hopefully it’ll make me hot blooded” enough to become a “jukebox hero”. It will “feel like the first time”…

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@Super70sSports No joke, that is almost exactly what I said to my wife when we bought our house. I think my exact words were “this is a great wiffle ball yard”

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

Well time to update my checklist on places not to go because of mass shootings:schools, grocery stores, churches, movie theaters, concerts, doctors offices, now parades.

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

This pack screams “Who’s ready to drink and shoot off some fireworks!”

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

I guess it wasn’t good enough for the #SCOTUS to watch the world metaphorically burn, with the EPA ruling now the world is literally going to burn

[The Good Liars @TheGoodLiars]

10 minutes after Roe was overturned Missouri outlawed abortion, including in cases of rape and incest, and punishable with up to 10 years in prison.

[Neil Kirkpatrick @bioguy82]

@kentola700 Sketch for Paul Rudd (I know it’s a long shot, here’s the gist)
-Paul is making a youth serum in a cauldron with young cast members
-Cast member catches him
-Younger plead, Paul denies.
-Surprise guest walks in asking if serum is done