BiscuitFloater

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

You have the confidence of a much better-looking woman.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

I remember the good ol' days when I had shit to tweet.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

Guy 1: Man, my wife is confused.
G2: Why's that?
G1: When I said I liked it rough, I was talking about the sex, not our marriage.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

A push-up bra is a lot like a bag of chips...

As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

Even Alexa doesn't understand me.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

A restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang out. We just can't hang out within 50ft. of each other. So...

Wanna play catch or something?

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

That twisted feeling of sheer joy you get when you find out someone with whom you've never even communicated blocked you.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

I took up MMA to see what I'm made of.

It's blood...I'm made of blood.

[BiscuitFloater @BiscuitFloater]

Many women pay more attention to improving their appearance than their intelligence...

Most men are stupid but few are blind.