Blah de Vivre

Time Magazine 2006 Person of the Year

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

me: I wish I had a million dollars

genie: Done. You had a million dollars

me: Hold on -- oh wait wow I remember having had it

genie: Yeah. Weird wish. But hey no judgment

[NEXTA @nexta_tv]

A Chinese robot wearing a clown wig kicked a child in the stomach.

[Hans Fiene 🦬 @HansFiene]

Sorry, but there's no way you're building a billion mile long ship for sixteen dollars

[Jarvis @jarvis_best]

Excellent question good sir as jokes are always better when fully explained.

We here at the Jarvis Account do not do POLITICAL jokes. We do not care who you vote for or why. We do jokes about the way people TALK about politics. Because it is unhinged.

Political talk today is characterized by CATASTROPHIZING. Your enemies will put you in CAMPS. Democracy is ENDING. Every election is THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIMES. Scott Pelley being sacked isn’t the mere natural outcome of calling his new boss a murderer and generally acted like a petulant dickhead in front of God and everyone - it’s the END OF LIBERAL MEDIA AS WE KNOW IT just like it was when Acosta and Lemon and a million other replacement level talking heads were shown the door.

This particular joke is a form joke we invented maybe a decade ago to describe the way we catastrophize everything on social media. Believe it or not it actually predates the famous RUTHKANDA FORVER post which is just the most notable of the Woke Kid genre of tweets.

We most recently used it a month ago to poke fun at conservatives who were having what we considered to be somewhat humorous meltdowns about Spirit Airlines going out of business as if all their mothers were dying as opposed to the much more boring reality of the fact that a shitty airline went belly up.

As Canada will once again not have the Stanley Cup on its failed terrorist state soil, I hope that this joke explanation will provide some solace and edification. And of course there’s always next year.

[Jarvis @jarvis_best]

I was dicing tomatoes this morning when my four year old daughter Moana ran into the kitchen with tears in her eyes

“Daddy,” she cried, “did you hear Scott Pelley’s contract with CBS News was terminated?”

I nodded.

“And now his loyal audience won’t be able to see him present the world’s most compelling stories in the nation’s top rated weekly news magazine, will they?”

I reluctantly nodded again.

“Even grandma?”

With that, I lost it. We threw our arms around each other and sobbed.

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@RaminNasibov With what? Your bare hands?

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@AppyOrtho That's what you get for naming your kid P. Very popular name.

[Southern Chestnut 🇺🇸 @AppyOrtho]

When my oldest son turned 10 he wanted to invite “P” from church. We were new to that church so I looked up “P” in the directory and sent an invite to his mom. She was incredibly excited.

Birthday party begins at the fun center and the wrong “P” shows up. I welcome him and then pull my son aside quickly.

“I know you wanted to invite the other “P” but this mix up isn’t a mistake, this isn’t your “P” but he’s God’s “P” so let’s welcome him like a dear friend because God sent him to us.”

Turns out God’s “P” was a sweet and shy boy who didn’t make friends easily so this was the first time he had been invited to a birthday party that wasn’t a family member.

He was the oldest and had two younger brothers roughly the same age as my other sons. He only lived a few blocks away and so before you knew it, all the boys were back and forth between our houses all the time.

“P” learned he could make friends and my son learned to trust mistakes and let God decide.

[College Baseball News @CollegeBSBNews]

On April 3rd, Milwaukee was 5-22 and one of the worst teams in the country.

Some of their losses:

Run-ruled 21-7 by LSU
Run-ruled 20-3 by Duke
Run-ruled 14-4 by Minnesota
Run-ruled 12-2 by SEMO
Run-ruled 17-1 by Purdue
Run-ruled 14-1 by NKU
Run-ruled 13-2 by Wright State
Run-ruled 16-2 by Notre Dame
Run-ruled 14-4 by UNLV

They finished the regular season 22-31, but won the Horizon League tournament and earned an autobid to the NCAA tournament.

Milwaukee beat #4 Auburn 13-8, beat UCF 13-6, and is now in a regional final, one win away from going to supers.

College Baseball.

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

Become ungovernable

[Kyle 🚄 @KyleTrainEmoji]

PICARD: Data, shields up

DATA: Brilliant! Shields can reduce damage we sustain. Not immunity. Not hubris. Just prudence. It's not precaution—it's strategy.

[camera shakes]

WORF: HULL BREACHES ON NINE DECKS

DATA: Here's what happened: you told me to raise shields, and I didn't

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@mike_daddino Even the ref seemed not to notice! White can't inbound there, he should have blown the whistle immediately

[Henrick Johansson @compliantvc]

A trolley is about to hit 5 people laying on the track

You can redirect the car, but the other track has not yet reached regulatory approval or completed its 1 year environmental testing period, so operating a train car on it is a violation of transit regulations

What do you do?

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@Joshstrangehill @AlbertBrooks How much of the end character was original concept vs. being generated by Albert Brooks?

[Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill]

I'm proud of how we came up with Hank Scorpio because he's actually the result of a few conceptual ideas that worked together perfectlly (when being voiced by @AlbertBrooks, of course):

- What if Homer had a boss who actually gave him respect?
-What if this boss was one of those "modern" Silicon Valley jeans-wearing bosses? (remember, this is 1996)
-What if this type of boss was actually a Bond villain but his villainy is only ever in the background?

[Tatum Turn Up @tatumturnup]

This is the greatest video I’ve ever seen. No notes. The lifeless clanker carcass just laying there. No crowd reaction, anything. Just Billie Jean. Until its lifeless shell is shamefully dragged off. Purely amazing.

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@johnddavidson If I want to actually absorb info, I have to read. (But perhaps I'm just a visual learner.)

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@johnddavidson I can't listen to fiction audiobooks, bc I don't retain enough to follow the story. I can listen to nonfiction audiobooks, bc if you miss a bit you can still keep up overall. And podcasts are the best, bc you don't need to retain anything at all, it's just background noise.

[Blah de Vivre @blahdevivre]

@TheLawyerOwl @FranklinH3000 Yeah, it was fun. It was an outing, a "doing something together" that clicking through Netflix isn't. I miss it.

(And also I agree the model is dead and there's no resurrecting it.)