Robert Omoto

Comedian & invented paperclips. Check out my stand-up set and the Random Thoughts Podcast

[Cobb's Comedy Club @CobbsComedyClub]

COMING UP SOON 👉 Jermaine Fowler // Nov. 9th 🚨

Jermaine is only coming to San Francisco for one night 😱 Don't miss it! @bobbyomoto will host the show & @seankeane will be featured 🤩

Plan for a night of laughs & get tix at https://t.co/36iNZmzKIq 🎟

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

I always make small talk awkward. Asked the neighbor how the weekend went. She said, “not good, we lost our dog.” I said, “you check the vet or SPCA? If they have a chip, they’ll keep him.” She said, “no, he passed away.” Alright…I’m gonna head back inside now.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

My dad always had the brokest cars growing up. One car every time he made a right, the car would turn off. We’d go to the grocery store one mile away and it would take 30 minutes because he’d have to make all lefts.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

Google maps doesn’t take into account your safety when recommending shortcuts. It had me cut through alleys in South Central LA. I seen two pimps fighting with 2x4’s and a crackhead cooking shrimp scampi off a hubcap. This was not worth saving 2 minutes.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

I like to go running late at night, but get paranoid about being robbed. So I dress in all black with a hoodie, beanie, and gloves. If a robber sees me they’ll think, “oh I can’t rob him, he’s already out robbing people.”

[Chancellor Johnson @ChancellorTV]

Y’all please take 3 minutes to watch this.

Paul Pierce is the gift that keeps on giving.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

At the Starbucks drive-thru and went to pay. The barista said the car in front of me paid for my order. I decided to pay it forward too. She asked, “are you sure?” Yup. The car behind me ordered for their work and it was $60.00. That car in front of me cost me $50.00 dammit.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

My uncle’s speech at my grandpa’s funeral, “As a Sergeant in Vietnam, Dad believed in hard discipline so his soldiers came home. He’d hit us too. Mom had enough & threatened to leave him if he did it again. He didn’t stop hitting us…but I think he hit us less. Love you dad.”

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

I’m getting a vasectomy and I think it should be mandatory for all guys at age 16. After 21 you can apply to have it reversed. Okay, I see here you have no job, a vape pen collection, and a video game chair. Request denied! We don’t need more of you walking around. Next!

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

@jiffylube Messaged you.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

Took my car to @jiffylube and they couldn’t change my oil because they said the drip cap was stripped. They said it was okay to leave, but didn’t put the cap back on my oil and this happened. Luckily, I stopped somewhere else to check. Never going there again. #dontgotojiffylube

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

@CoffeeNTrees @jiffylube The oil filter or cap underneath. Whatever they call it.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

I always admired handymen, but after having kids I realized you don’t have to be good with tools. All the dad’s in my court start huge projects they have no business doing just to get out of the house. I’m gonna dig a swimming pool with a hand shovel, which should take a decade.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

@CarlosComedy telling a story about our trip to Oregon that takes a hilarious turn. Full episode link:

https://t.co/dTSs15u3sZ

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

I wish my fiancé was the person she pretends to be when other people are around. Always wiping food off my face, asking if I need anything. Who is this person? Friends visited & right when I open the door, she starts sweeping. It was like a director yelled action on a movie set.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

Made it on @ABCSharkTank recently. Didn’t go as expected, but glad I was able to make my pitch.
#sharktank #Entrepreneur #gamestop

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

@DetrNevada I saw your homepage and am wondering why there are no Asians on it? Makes me sad. Is this why I didn’t receive payment? Are Asians not eligible? I was born here and have Costco gold membership. Please send fax.

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

Check out the latest episode of the Random Thoughts Podcast with @DavidGambleJr! We talk about getting older with social media, being a lawyer and attending court on Zoom, fatherhood, his essay that went viral about racism growing up in Reno, and comedy.

https://t.co/ZcylnOleYv

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

New episode with @tjstandup! We talk about growing up in Haiti, leaving to attend college in New York, learning English from Comedy Central, working at a crooked real estate brokerage, U.S. vs. Haitian coups, and his first hour special called January 3rd. https://t.co/bU1EB08pQK

[Robert Omoto @bobbyomoto]

#193 - D Tyler - Why are there Raisins in this Spaghetti? https://t.co/4TiOmi3c58