Boner Falcon

Proud Dad

[trash jones @jzux]

(holding my friends at gunpoint) pumpkin patch?????

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

my husband would buy me anything on earth if it meant he wouldn’t have to spend a weekend in a tree loft with me #blessed

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

I love reading through married couples’ Venmo exchanges. Are you guys ok

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

None of the things you care about matter

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

@mimi_duff Honestly I miss this

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

Unnerving to me that I recognize many ASOS models from vague memories of dELiA*s catalogs

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

Used to meet my friends for lunch to confess shameful hookups, now we meet for lunch to confess Botox

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

Seven years ago I was blue-tongued and drinking out of a 44-oz styrofoam cup, and now I get judgey about gin selections. You can’t hate me more than I hate myself

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

I spent a lot of nights in Slingers Nightclub and Lounge to believe that I am capable of owning a successful bourbon lounge + venue downtown.

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

Last minute ATL Delta flight is still better than the last five years in public ed

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

All TSA Agents Go To Hell

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

Just used the phrase, “as if out of a Ray Bradbury short story!” in my review of a midwestern jiffy lube. Hormonal birth control and vodka were really stifling my personality and we were all better for it.

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

I teach a creative writing class to high schoolers. You cannot hurt me.

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

bonerfalcon also grew up and became a high school ELA teacher and cries ~3 times a week about the absolute trauma of pub ed/title I schools. I miss my simple dildo Twitter innocence

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

bonerfalcon grew up and quit Twitter and traded partying for being unable to finish a single glass of Pinot noir without saying, “are you ready to leave yet?”

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

If I were still capable of human emotion, I would be mortified that I paid money to attend an event in the “KFC Yum! Center.”

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

@liblouwil Me too, but I am sadder for kids. Dark(er) days ahead. #bonerfalconthoughts

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

@liblouwil I cry thrice weekly 😎

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

If I’m being honest I don’t have 2015 Twitter content in me anymore. I’ve drunk too many oat milk lattes. It’s over.

[Boner Falcon @bonerfalcon]

@noragretsssss you’re welcome