Kristen Bourne

If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

[Kristen Bourne @bournetobewild8]

#MyPLmorning Go Gunners!!!

[mariah mariah mariah @mRiah]

when Ariana and Katie's sandwich shop opens I'm getting baptized there

[Kristen Bourne @bournetobewild8]

@brianunderwater Brian! It snuck up on them. He didn’t seem that bad when he called racist rioters “very fine people” or when he pardoned war criminals or when he put kids in cages or when he put a rapist on the Supreme Court or when he called POWs “losers” or when he was impeached or

[grace spelman @GraceSpelman]

Jon Hamm and I were set to have our beautiful wedding this April. However, due to the coronavirus, we will be postponing the celebration of our love. I’m heartbroken. My apologies to our friends and loved ones. Do not ask Jon about this he’s busy

[Max Silvestri @maxsilvestri]

#MissedConnection *YOU* were the clueless ponytail guy at Vons only buying a loaf of garlic bread, marveling at the long lines, "Welp, never coming here at 7:30 again." *I* was the guy wondering what the fuck your life is

[Ben Dover @MrBenDover0]

america’s anthem during every episode #TheBachelor

[shosh @shoshmcgosh]

one time i was my college’s mascot for a basketball game.

emphasis on one time

[Chris Bukowski @chrisjbukowski]

My birthday falls on #WorldSuicidePreventationDay & suicide has affected me, my family and friends tremendously. Mental illness is not a weakness & it’s an issue that we all need to be educated on & speak on. Together we can break the stigma by ending the silence. Let’s talk.

[Simon Curtis @simoncurtis]

This... is the most powerful moment in television history? https://t.co/c9tlPGcETv

[Kristen Bourne @bournetobewild8]

@KatePeople @BacheloretteABC Ashley H’s sister didn’t like JP!

[Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel]

“IF YOU DO NOT COME UP WITH A COMMERCIAL JINGLE RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.”

Liberty:

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

[Dane Cook @DaneCook]

Great pic except what the fuck am I wearing on my head. Am I a professional golfer from 1981?
Your face says, “this is my hostage.. after you pay ransom.. he still dies.”

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

This is the news photo that would make a returning time traveler realize they fucked something up

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

[Matt Oswalt @MattOswaltVA]

did it drop another house on your sister?

[laura j. brown @laurjbrown]

IS THIS GONE GIRL

[Kristen Bourne @bournetobewild8]

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 #TheBachelorette #SlicksForBachelor @Jason_Tartick