@HuntJar45775 Thanks. But forgiving myself will always be the hardest part. Even if it's a sickness, I should still have better control over my emotions. At least to not affect those I love so much
I have to come clean. One week ago, I left the house with my gun, and intention on using it on myself. I was broken beyond belief. My wife had told me 3 weeks before she wanted to leave. That I have been a horrible husband. Absent. Angry. And its true. This will be long and rambling, but i have to admit my faults in everything. It will leave out alot. I wont diminish my fault and shame. The psychological hurt i put my family through.
I have been DEEP in depression, especially the last few months. The relationship with my oldest kid was not great. I yelled at him constantly. Had a few really bad blowups and left the house to cool down. She decided to leave me around Christmas, but didn't tell me. Just silently planned her escape. Told her friends. Told everyone but me. The only person who could fix it. By the time she finally told me, she said she'd only leave if I didnt change. And I did really good for over a week. Could feel the fog lifting. Already healing the relationship with my oldest. Until she told me she was pretending, thought i was too, and went right back to ignoring me. Refusing to talk. Leaving the house the moment I got home. Spending every moment with her friends. The previous month to this (before she told me anything) had been horrible, her spending every available moment at a friends. Ignoring me. My wife didnt want to be with me. Didnt want to talk or even text. It sent me spiraling even further.
So last Wednesday, after many days of pleading and conversations she'd desperately try to end so she could leave and to go back to her friends late at night (she didnt even come back home tuesday night after a brutal conversations we had) she finally told me there was no hope. She didnt WANT to try. Then "I have nothing left to say". So I left in the darkest moment in my life, giving her what she wanted. Sent her a long goodbye message. Put my phone on do not disturb and drove for hours. Not talking to anyone until late the next day. She thought I legitimately was dead. Making her feel that way will forever be one of my biggest regrets. I came home late that night (she obviously wasnt there) and tried to sleep. Friday morning I send a last message, begging her to not divorce me. That we can fix it. That we can just separate for months or years if needed. Shortly after I found the truth. Turns out the previous days rock bottom was actually in the clouds and I had MUCH further to fall. I felt a LITERAL breaking inside me. My entire life was just burned to the ground, and it felt so careless. I asked her to tell me the truth 3 times and she lied. I told her I knew the truth and for the 2nd time, grabbed my gun with FULL intention on ending my pain and hers. Long story short, a few people really got through to me and saved me. I am safe. I have zero intentions of taking my life. I have to be here for my children. I will not take their father from them in such a cowardly way. I blame myself. How awful i have been to live with. I've never been abusive, and never would, but the yelling could be considered emotional abuse. I have not been mentally well. I am a grumpy introvert and had lost my spark. Which made me loose every single thing I have ever prayed for. I ruined our eternal marriage. Because I couldn't win the battle inside my own head.
I also blame this app. This "community" of members of the church. That gave my wife the friends she wanted so bad. But also has so many secrets. The more that have reached out to me, the more secrets I uncover. The more lies and deception, from SO MANY of you. I found out things that i KNOW she doesnt know i know. That could ruin other marriages. I could have saved my marriage months ago, but everyone on this app has loyalties in the wrong places. Its why I've left twitter/X so many times.
Please stop harassing my wife. We both made mistakes. Just failed in different ways. She is still the mother of my children and someone for whom I will never stop loving or waiting.
I would normally agree with you- but in this case, i NEED accountability. I need people to know my struggle publicly because I need help. And not "woe is me, feel pity for me" help, but the "hey you're an idiot, but you can learn" kind of help. I am a very private person in general. But I created a firestorm on this app that hurt alot of people, in a moment of deep sorrow and anger. I felt I needed to explain, and become accountable for my actions. I needed this to hopefully begin to heal, and to know im not alone in my sorrow as well as my sin.
@wndyW1LL0w Im trying. Im trying so hard. I've prayed like never before, met with the bishop, and surrounded myself with so many people who won't let me fall again.