as you wish

i was born in a tin of tuna and baptized in the oil

[as you wish @brjork]

eye doctor: you should see a home going in and out of focus
me: [choking up] ok

[as you wish @brjork]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[yogesh @yogeshtwet]

Una gata embarazada estaba por parir
Así que su amiga paloma fue y se puso a hacerle un nido

[as you wish @brjork]

lsat sample question - "i can only enter the house if i have a key. if i have a key, can i enter the house? NO you stupid idiot. we're taking you out back and putting you down like a dog"

[as you wish @brjork]

breaking news: the tabi style shoes are growing on me . am i allowed to change

[as you wish @brjork]

@ironingboard11 that heat protectant is hands down the best. and unbeatable price. you understand

[as you wish @brjork]

ooh maybe losing my entire work and team and switching is good for me because i have my two weeks notice pulled up and drafted

[as you wish @brjork]

@puddingfan13 i helped raise my niece and she decided to leave and have nothing to do with our family. it was incredibly painful to be basically told it’s not enough. being young is very confusing and unfortunately kids know how to hurt the adults in their life acutely well. Im so sorry

[as you wish @brjork]

you're such an angel, when you wave to everyone you say 'halo'

[as you wish @brjork]

maybe i should get two memberships. i like the one i go to because i don't run into people i know there, but they close insanely early. oh well

[as you wish @brjork]

i was supposed to go to the gym tonight but after the week i have had my friend has informed me i will be getting a margarita the size of my head instead

[as you wish @brjork]

i am replacing one of the people that got laid off. im not going to throw up

[as you wish @brjork]

survived a fourth layoff. my gut health is unaffected

[words with love @juscrapbook]

i made it through / april, may, june; it seemed / i had outsmarted grief.

[as you wish @brjork]

@farnnesse your heart draws things to it like a spiritual magnet, is what this is

[as you wish @brjork]

somewhere in an eclectic fish shop on the washington coast is my signature in their guestbook. in exactly ten years, go there, find it, find my name, and then find me inside, purchasing smoked scallops

[as you wish @brjork]

@womanwithfever i will never understand twitter's algorithm. this should have hundred thousand likes

[as you wish @brjork]

beets and pickled onions are the most perfect color on planet earth

[as you wish @brjork]

@ptichushka a few weeks ago i was a bridesmaid with a professional trainer, who is absolutely shredded, and we did a joke shot of all of us rubbing on her biceps and it occurred to me 'alexandra would get a kick out of this'

[as you wish @brjork]

@local__celeb happiest alliest al day to the coolest to ever do it

[as you wish @brjork]

i use the crying emoji in a lot of texts and my father apparently asked my mother “what is it that has her so upset all of the time?”

[as you wish @brjork]

had to accept that my stomach is never going to stay flat if i keep drinking coke zero and it felt like covering my pet lamb’s eyes before shooting it in the head