Jody Ramsay

[Nick Mark MD @nickmmark]

Of course a plane full of people who have never read a book has a bookshelf of fake books with titles like “Library”

[mahrukh @parhloumahrukh]

pro tip: send a risky text in the morning to reduce your screen timing

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

I love how hotels will charge you $300 for smoking in your room, but you can literally jizz on anything you want, and it’s no big deal.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

HE STARTED THE WAR, you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid motherfucker.

[Thought Provoking Berserker ⚛️🦍🦅 @Provokethoughtz]

Women: I want to go for a run.

Society: You can't go alone. You'll get raped.

Women: I want to walk to my car in the parking garage.

Society: Alone? You better get someone to escort you, or you'll get raped.

Women: I want to live alone.

Society: You need a gun, an alarm system, a dog and probably a gun for the dog too.

Women: What about going to the park?

Society: Dangerous.

Women: Okay, I'll just go out for a drink then.

Society: Don't take your eyes off your drink. Watch out for predators spiking your drinks. Stay alert at all times.

Women: I was raped.

Society: Are you sure? That just seems impossible.

[Lovable Liberal and his Old English sheepdog @DougWahl1]

I am impressed!

I was sure Donald Trump would never post anything about pride month. And then he posted this!

Clearly, I was wrong!

[Jamie Bonkiewicz @JamieBonkiewicz]

We were never meant to interact with this many dumb motherfuckers in our lifetime.

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

What I find truly poetic about hippos being one of the deadliest animals on Earth is that they’re herbivores. Completely plant-based. They have no interest in eating you, they just genuinely seem to hate you on a personal level, and I respect that.

[Reads with Ravi @readswithravi]

I’m in love with this sentence:

“The longer you stay on the wrong train, the more expensive it is to get home.”

[Daniel Goldman @danielsgoldman]

Donald Trump ran for office for three reasons:

1) stay out of jail
2) exact revenge on his enemies
3) line his pockets

Everything else he says is bullshit.

[The Blue Torch @_TheBlueTorch]

Fucking gold 🔥

[Jo @JoJoFromJerz]

The goal of the game UNO is to have no cards you fucking idiot.

[Brendan May @bmay]

Congratulations to Sebastian Sawe for running the entire London Marathon in less time than it took Russell Brand to tell @piersmorgan his favourite Bible verse.

[Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel]

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”

“There’s someone in the house. He’s trying to kill me.”

“Okay, what I want you to do is get to your ballroom.”

“I don’t have a ballroom.”

“…Then may God have mercy on your soul.”

[ᗰᗩƳᖇᗩ @LePapillonBlu2]

Burn baby, burn 🔥🤣

[死 @humanxmaybe]

i hope this email kills us both instantly

[W.E.B. DaBoi @Tyre_94]

Amazing nickname like generational

[Rothmus 🏴 @Rothmus]

Oof

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left