Bryan Tallman

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

I did it for the troops. https://t.co/sK2yIj6CbO

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

"Big Blizzard's coming." -- ice trucker Don "Big Blizzard" Bledsoe, fucking a feisty lot lizard #blizzard2016

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

(1/2) O, the folks what shot outta my balls/That shot out & sprout outta my balls/They're waving a gun/in the Oregon sun...

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Then checking it 91 times
He's crippled by OCD

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

I just saw Santa at a Costco buying a case of Red Bull and he was muttering "I can't DO this anymore" over & over & over.

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

I'd check the nutritional value of these chocolate truffles, but let's face it, it's not going to do shit as a deterrence.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

ANYONE watching @MSNBC right now, CHANGE THE CHANNEL. They need to literally see their numbers vanish. Creeps & villains. Fuck 'em.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

We're about two weeks away from a mass shooting breaking out during a mass shooting.

[(((Dan Hodges))) @DPJHodges]

In retrospect Sandy Hook marked the end of the US gun control debate. Once America decided killing children was bearable, it was over.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

"Please stop asking us to help. We clearly can't do shit."

Sincerely,

Thoughts and Prayers

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

I think I just farted so bad I gave myself colon cancer.

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

I'm not fat I'm just a hedonist

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

"America: There's more ants than people!" New America slogan idea.

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

They played Kung Fu Fighting on the loudspeakers when the Chinese boat team left the port. I wish I was lying. #VolvoOceanRace

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

I wish there was a machine that cleaned you while you slept and also that there was world peace but mainly the cleaning machine.

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

@TaraSmarshall I'll definitely check it out one of these days! I'm always down for reading recommendations

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

@kris_gc NO NO NOOOOO!!! PONY SPAAAAAAACCEEE!!

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

@kris_gc yeah, ok. That's something you'd say. Had me worried there. Let me just close the airlock and tuck away my dick and balls.

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

@kris_gc oh great. This is Kris-Tron isn't it? Put Kris back on, Tron. I don't want your preprogrammed "friendship" bullshit. Where's Kris?

[Bryan Tallman @bryantallman]

@kris_gc oh shit, and I didn't even show my future self my gennys! That must be one of my first "fuckups" :(