Farty B

I hate everyone.

[Farty B @btemps]

It is the year 2029. All humans live in harmony. Denise's Facebook status that ended racism forever is etched in stone at the Smithsonian.

[Farty B @btemps]

@kyledowning_74 @Tallulahs_Ghost We only give out Whopper Juniors.

[Farty B @btemps]

@CorndogHospital Human remains

[Farty B @btemps]

@pacoromane Server: Soup or salad?
Me: Supersalad…is that better than a regular salad?

[Farty B @btemps]

I’m obsessed with people misusing the word obsessed.

[Farty B @btemps]

I’m gonna ball out tonight*

*not put my testicles away properly

[Farty B @btemps]

@kyledowning_74 You’re more Meathead than Archie.

[Farty B @btemps]

Wednesday is my favorite weekday because I don’t have to drive my kids to practice for any of the sports I forced them to sign up for.

[Farty B @btemps]

My wife’s fat dog licked my face and now my beard smells like cat shit.

[Farty B @btemps]

You can all stop looking. I’m at my in-laws’ and have located the most boomerish thing in the entire universe.

[Farty B @btemps]

I’ve had 15 years to prepare for Thursday’s wedding anniversary, so thank god for Amazon Prime next day delivery.

[Farty B @btemps]

When i call my doctors office, they would like me to please listen closely because their phone menu options HAVE BEEN THE SAME FOR THE LAST 8 FUCKING YEARS.

[Farty B @btemps]

My wife when I tell her why I can’t go to Lowes today to get that thing she said we need for the garden or whatever.

[Farty B @btemps]

Cucumbers aren’t *that* cool.

[Farty B @btemps]

That fart has me questioning every decision I’ve made in the last 72 hours.

[Farty B @btemps]

@MrButterChicken Yeah good luck with that.

[Farty B @btemps]

I would sooner place a cinder block on the gas pedal of my car and run it into a lake than donate it to the organization that made this awful awful commercial and song.

[Farty B @btemps]

@kyledowning_74 @wrightsbarbecue Another thing you need before you leave town. HMU if you wanna go.

[Farty B @btemps]

@kyledowning_74 Already you gotta be kidney!

[Farty B @btemps]

What’s the deal with trees like hey look at me I’m a 50-foot tall living thing, oh yeah and I’m also made entirely out of wood lol wtf