Bubator

Professionally I make people grow impatient with me. Hobbies include trying to get abducted by aliens.

[Bubator @bubator]

@iluminatibot Haha

[Bubator @bubator]

Instead of inventing cars that we can fly we should invent pets that we can fly on the backs of.

[Bubator @bubator]

What will your 40's be like? It will be like your asshole died but you kept living.

[Bubator @bubator]

Jerk off before you buy a car. Don't be the guy in the iroc z making full ball decisions

[Bubator @bubator]

People get married so they don't have to shave their pubes

[Bubator @bubator]

The only thing manlier than eating steak would be eating a vegetarian

[Bubator @bubator]

People with pink leopard skin shirts and black spandex leotards shouldn't be allowed to hold babies

[Bubator @bubator]

"Take it like a man" sounds like something you'd hear in prison

[Bubator @bubator]

My daughter's Indian name is poopahontas

[Bubator @bubator]

Twitter needs a "Hate" button because having no favorites or retweets just doesn't feel shitty enough.

[Bubator @bubator]

I'm thinking of trying this Christian thing out on the contingency that my children are considered a luxury and I can give them up on lent

[Bubator @bubator]

To do list
1)Feed an alcoholic red beets
2)Wait for the "I think I'm shitting blood" phone call
3)Tell them it's probably cirrhosis
4)Laugh

[Bubator @bubator]

I only respect people that shop like the grocery store is on fire!!!!

[Bubator @bubator]

Secret and secrete are way to close in spelling so when you write "I have a dirty secrete" you've turned interesting into gross.

[Bubator @bubator]

If you watch Led Zeppelin's "Live at Royal Albert Hall" you'll realize Robert Plant invented yoga pants

[Bubator @bubator]

Ever listen to more interesting conversations around you while in a boring conversation with someone else?

[Bubator @bubator]

Wanna see less homeless people? Give them laptops. Then they'll just look eccentric entrepreneurs

[Bubator @bubator]

If I was a Decepticon I'd be a toilet.

[Bubator @bubator]

I only play the accordion for the pussy.

[Bubator @bubator]

Is it offensive to talk about extreme weight loss in front of amputees?