Bumbling Boris Johnson

F*** business: F*** everything except what suits me. I may mumble but to er is human...this tells you what I really think, usually the opposite of what I say.

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Didn't old Willie Speareshake kick the bucket a long time ago...bit harsh on my old papa don't you think. #Shakespeare

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Just to clarify, this stay at home advice obviously doesn't apply to me or prevent me skulking about rogering everything that moves and fathering children here and everywhere...it's not that serious! #BorisJohnson #SoBoris #BorisResign https://t.co/N8kwkfCzVC

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Meet my coronavirus stooge experts. If their emergency measures fail, they will take all the blame. If their emergency measures work, I will take all of the credit. It's the Johnson way.

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Europeans can get round Trump's travel ban by flying to Britain and then to the US...providing more revenue for our airports...of course, it risks spreading coronavirus here but hey, it only kills old people so I'm all right. #TrumpVirus #COVID19 https://t.co/AQV0Bro5qa

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Personally, I've always liked Piers Morgan because he makes me seem like a nice person...well, almost.

[Scoop Alley @scoopalley]

Piers Morgan escapes Corona infection after the virus decides he's too obnoxious to touch. #CoronaVirusUpdate #CoronavirusPandemic #COVID19 #NOTTOMHANKS

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

The intelligence and security committee is responsible for releasing the Russia Report. Putting Failing Grayling in charge means it will get lost down the back of sofa and never be published. https://t.co/HM1IKv6e6G

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

This is exactly the kind of enterprise we need to make our country great again...makes you proud to be British!

[Scoop Alley @scoopalley]

Two toilet rolls for sale. Nice and soft, hardly used, good as new. £600 each or £1,000 for both. Buyer collects. No timewasters please. #panicbuyers #coronavirus

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Just because I suspended Parliament illegally, told lies on a bus, am being investigated over Jennifer Arcuri and dodgy Vote Leave... and just because I'm refusing publish the embarrassing Russia report...doesn't mean I did anything wrong on holiday. https://t.co/pmQGbdoqsB

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Au contraire Mr Blair. My Corbyn and the Labour Party did this country a great service by performing so badly they made my election inevitable.

[BBC Politics @BBCPolitics]

"The result has brought shame on us"

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair says the Labour party "let our country down" in the general election

https://t.co/He17QuSVJ6

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Of course we are the greatest democracy in the world. Where else could you get a landslide victory with only 43% of the vote. https://t.co/bdWtLBo215

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Forgive me for not tweeting lately...been rather busy with one thing and another. Now I'm back, and people of Britain, I just can't express what a great honour it is for you to have me as your Prime Minister. Please try to be worthy of me. https://t.co/ycQKH6K23q

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

I have no recollection of this woman. On the night in question, I was in Pizza Express in Woking with nine or ten of my children...I forget their names. #PrinceAndrew #RandyAndy #Duke of York #JenniferArcuri https://t.co/F40i3IzdQg

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

I must say I sympathise with Prince Andrew. I can't remember half the women I've bedded either. #PrinceAndrewInterview #dukeofyork https://t.co/4TQd5LSx3F

[Scoop Alley @scoopalley]

Prince Andrew insists he has no memory of ever meeting the Queen and is astonished that she claims to be his mother. #PrinceAndrewInterview #Pizzagate

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

It seems that many people are unhappy with some of the ridiculous promises I'm making to win this election. Well, I'm listening, so if there are any ridiculous promises you would prefer me to make, just say the word and it will be done. #BorisJohnson https://t.co/l8bVKmOMrX

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

There have lots of silly theories why I used the the term #onanism They're all way off the mark. I merely mentioned it because it's my favourite activity, especially when Carrie leaves me behind because she wants to be with people of her own generation.

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

I would like to thank my personal publicity department, the BBC, for getting me out the brown stuff on this unfortunate occasion. Knighthoods on their way for those involved. https://t.co/AcF825efoz

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Why should I go wading bollock deep through water in the frozen north when I can get much better publicity photos pestering people in nice warm hospitals and schools? Doh! #VoteBorisGetFarage https://t.co/UHkfzKff3b

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

Now listen clever clogs @PeterStefanovi2
You may scoff but being able to make pay cuts look like pay rises, and make cutting police numbers look increasing numbers is jolly hard work. @MattHancock is a genius and has my full support. #Marr #Ridge

[Peter Stefanovic @PeterStefanovi2]

If you think its inappropriate for Health Secretary Matt Hancock to be boasting about “wages growing at 3.5%” & “Conservatives helping you keep more of your money” when all NHS staff have seen massive real terms PAY CUTS since 2010 RT

[Bumbling Boris Johnson @Bumbling_Boris]

No, don't check. Just because we've squeezed the pips out of you while we've been in power for the last 10 years doesn't mean we're lying with our sudden spending pledges...and the fact we're making these promises in an election is pure coincidence. https://t.co/D6oW8ZaU6u