Steven Burke

Yes, I've probably done that on stage for money.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@Home_Halfway @scalzi
To over simplify... Cat photos when you need them. An alien's attempt at burritos when you least expect them.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@ChuckWendig Walking into a room full of rattlesnakes to make sure none were loose.

[Abraar Karan @AbraarKaran]

I’m a doctor in the emergency room seeing #covid19 patients.

It’s definitely not.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@Molly_McDowell I feel like I'm eating fancier now. No one is hoarding the good stuff, so that's what I get.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@jayemcbride Oh yeah, tell me all about that thread count...

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

Well fine!

If @BurningCatCon won't take my ticket money, someone's getting @girlscouts cookies.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

Everyone who survives the pandemic will receive an honorary degree from Trump University.

Some restrictions may apply.

[Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr]

Would take an unprecedented level of media solidarity but When Trump avoids a reporter's question, the next reporter he chooses should simply re-ask the previous question.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

So far this year is essentially a repeat of my 2019.

Welcome to my world bitches!

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@jonathancoulton He's talking about me!

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

Now offering to not send nudes in exchange for fresh brussel sprout.

Yes, brussel sprouts are my prefered apocalypse currency.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@scalzi I am driving into an area confirmed this morning. Every mile I miss the boat a little more.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@AScalzi98 @JoCoCruise Did my wife take me to do the same? Of course, she's the best!

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

Headboard hit my head during sex last night.

Clearly the couple next door didn't realize how thin this hotel's walls are.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@GailSimone No such candy existed.

[Katie Mack @AstroKatie]

Quick tip on #COVID_19 terminology:
*Coronavirus: family of viruses that cause, eg, common cold, MERS, SARS
*Novel coronavirus: a newly discovered kind of coronavirus
*COVID-19: the disease caused by the new coronavirus
*SARS-CoV-2: official designation of virus causing COVID-19

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@RonFunches @taylortomlinson Watched this morning. It is now one of my favorite specials.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

Panic grips U.S. as thousands of comics struggle to use a mic without touching it.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@Molly_McDowell Now I want to come down and sit in on a class.

[Steven Burke @burkecomedy]

@gates_mcfadden I must log off now with this image in my head. Thank you!