world's best Stephen

All the world's a Steve, and it's people simply Stephens

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

I started saying bless you when people cough and oh boy is that controversial

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Twitter ads be like:

Is macaroni and cheese the new super food?

Most millennials say they eat mac & cheese on a semi-regular basis and a majority of millennials are still alive.

Could mac & cheese be the answer?

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Gotta use 3 different sources to check its Wednesday now

back in my day people made 30 second YouTube videos to tell us it was Wednesday and we loved it!

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

:Hey I found this phone looking thing

Yea i think they use it for tabs at the bar

:Yea that's where i found it

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Today I'm embarking on a journey to eat a pear everyday until I figure out how to tell if pears are ripe. I expect this to the final phase of my life

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Sister principals

Like sister wives but principals

Is that anything?

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Last night someone complimented my dog so i returned the favor and said I liked thier dog's coat but it wasn't a dog it was a child.

So anyway hopefully my glasses get here soon

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

@hulu hey if you get a lot of cancelled plans today its probably because you sent this message out to everyone instead of just live tv subscribers. My SO called me raging about our plan increasing by 70 dollars

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

My car is stuck in reverse I might be late to work tomorrow

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

@anthony_burch Goddamnit anthony why did you have to come up with the single greatest mario adaptation before Nintendo's big chris pratt vehicle. Now I can't expect anything less.

"My name is mario. My world is fire. And blood"

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Fish will never experience soup

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

#Putin annexed Ukrainian territory the same way Michael Scott declared bankruptcy.

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

When you get older you start wearing glasses when you do important things like playing video games

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

*scoffs*

I think you mean Moby Dick's monster

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Sky law dictates if the pilot hasn't shown up 15 minutes after your flight was supposed to depart you're legally allowed to fly the plane

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Listen I am a SCIENTIST
I microwaved a plate for 6 MINUTES so I could keep TORTILLAS warm
The plate was HOT
I BURNED myself
That is SCIENCE

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

@CNN @JohnAvlon You guys repeatedly say his name wrong its pronounced Elon, like Melon

#ElonLikeMelon

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

@WSJ Please get his name right, it's pronounced Elon

#ElonLikeMelon

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

@joncoopertweets @elonmusk I gotchu Elon, you pronounced his name wrong, its Elon like Melon

#ElonLikeMelon lets get his name right people

[world's best Stephen @burketts]

Been listening to news stories all week about this twitter buyout and everyone is pronouncing his name wrong. Its pronounced Elon. Like Melon 🍈

#ElonMusk #ElonLikeMelon