Caitlin Alyn

comedian

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

Don’t compare yourself to others. Some people are really good at hiding that their parents still pay for everything.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

No actor on the planet could make up for bad writing. What a ludicrous, ignorant statement to make.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

I just heard a woman on the streets of Hollywood openly say on a public sidewalk “casting is more important than writing”. I stopped, I walked up to her, and I said “that is the most insane thing I have ever heard in my life” and laughed as hard as I could in her face.

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

@rebfive I’d have preferred a stunt category personally. And this seems more subjective than other categories…

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

Meanwhile if I mention Mercury retrograde, I’m a crazy witch lady. Make it make sense?

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

The fact that men can talk so openly about sports but women get shit on for astrology is SO unfair

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

“His follow through was such a mess. That shot? Bro. His form is shit. Mannnn ballers these days are NOTHING compared to what we had growing up. Half these kids can’t even hit a free throw, bro”

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

I have to sit on this airplane and listen to 2 overweight middle aged dorks critiquing PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES full volume. No escape.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

Jesus christ they are talking about their families already. I have been dating someone for 2+ years I don’t even know his mom’s name.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

I’ve opened this hellscape app just to tell you I’m at the airport at some shitty bar and next to me there is a literal romcom meetcute happening. Two middle aged randos are currently falling in love over fantasy football and beer. Just a guess: they’re also both from midwest.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

Drinking an oat milk latte stoned on a cloudy afternoon listening to yacht rock has been very healing for the soul have to say

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

Animals: they’re just like us!

[UberFacts @UberFacts]

During the early 1960s, a chimpanzee named Lucy was raised as if she were a human daughter by a psychotherapist and his wife

She ate food using cutlery, wore clothes, enjoyed magazines, enjoyed drinking gin, could sign 250 words, and tried to masturbate with a vacuum cleaner

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

@URGReplyGuy @ShakthiJ That’s not really the writers faults though… what gets financed is up to the studios, the people we’re striking against

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

@DailyLoud Enough with throwing things at artists!!!

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

If you’re 43+ and your prompt on a dating app is “still figuring out my dating goals”, get off Tinder and sign up with a therapist. Immediately.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

This looks like a job for Spider-Man

[Daily Loud @DailyLoud]

Crane completely collapses in New York City 👀🤯

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

It’s only a matter of time before this man is a household name 🗣️

[monte @therealaaronmon]

There’s a lot to complain about in comedy, but I’m grateful I get to produce three great shows with growing good reputations in LA with my friends.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

@whoopsy_doodle Unfortunately for some people that’s their only option to make a living for themselves. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge.

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

So they cut all the trees so the protesters are in the deadly heat, realize they could get sued HARD, then put up these shitty canopies? These won’t do shit compared to what the trees were providing smh @nbc

[Writers Guild Foundation @WritersGuildF]

Life comes at you fast…

Tents courtesy of NBCU

[Caitlin Alyn @Caitlinalyn]

@jsparkblog @martinMmorrow I’ve always said I’m not afraid of dying… I’m afraid of not living